"I Got JOKES" Commentaries: Oh CUPID, C'MERE...I Got Somethin' Fo' Yo' Ass !!

I HATE Valentines Day

WARNING: In today’s commentary, there will be gratuitous usage of bad language, racial-motivated depictions and fairly graphic visual aids…along with my sarcastically harsh intellect and brutally honest bluntness !! It’s intended to act as a “dart” towards tha’ immature thinkin’, self-centered dumb-assess while servin’ as comic relief for us…tha’ mature audience !!

:::: writin’ a letter to Cupid ::::

Dear Cupid..

I’m arrangin’ a meetin’…one that REQUIRES YOUR PRESENCE !! It’s a meetin’ of dire importance…of intensely immense proportions…of great relevance…knowaddamean ??

Yes Cupid…this meetin’ is a matter of life and death…between my size-14 FOOT and yo’ instigatin’ ASS…ol’ punk muh’fucka !! Kiss my bare-nekkid carameliciously-dimpled black ass !!

Homicidally Yours,
Sugar Ray D.

GRRRRR !!

FUCK CUPID and FUCK Valentine’s Day !! I know fo’ dayummm sho’ that it ain’t a BLACK holiday, even though some NIMROD decided to ASSociate ‘em togetha’ in Black History Month !!

W.T.F. ??!! Black men ain’t gonna’ trust some lil’ fat white kid with wings, a bow and an unlimited supply of arrows…oh heyelll nawww !!! May as well give him a noose too !! On top of that, ain’t no black man gonna’ wait around after we hear this lil’ fat white kid with wings, a bow and arrows say, “I’m gonna’ shoot you through your heart and you’ll find TRUE love…”

:::: shakin’ my head ::::

Fuck all that !! We’re gonna’ do one of two things:
…RUN !!
…FIGHT !!

Okay I lied…we’re probably gonna’ do BOTH…whoopin’ his ass, THEN runnin’ !! Either way ya’ look at it, we ain’t gonna’ wait to hear that entire sentence…

All WE gotta’ hear is “I’m gonna’ shoot you…” and it’s on !! But if by some unusual circumstance we’re still in “listenin’ mode” after havin’ heard tha’ key word “shoot”, then all we’d hear before our “natural response” is triggered will be tha’ followin’ three words: ”through tha’ heart…” !! Anything else beyond THAT point is irrelevant...we’ll spring into ACTION…in tha’ wind and that’d be a wrap !!

Make no mistake Cupid…men don’t like you, but us BLACK men REALLY don’t like yo’ ass !! Be glad you’re white…’cause if you were black, Lord help ya’ !! Our women alone would make you pay DEARLY for plantin’ false expectations…

If Cupid were black, he’d be a non-baby genius ass, un-edumicated, chittlin’-slurpin’, giant orangutan lookin’, broke-ass duffle-bag corner-boy livin’, 15-baby makin’, vaginally-challenged female sexin’, “my hood is GREASY, it ain’t EASY” spittin’, bronze-plated toenail havin’, Busta’ Brown shoe wearin’, catfish pussy lickin’, “massa gon’ whip me” slave boat travelin’, need an upgrade ass, niggacentric piece of shit…Ol’ Captain Crotch-Rot…Mr. Loin Dust…Mr. Dark Crystal…Shadow Khan…Pet Blackenstein…Cupid Tha’ Crispy-Ass Hemorrhoid Stain…

:::: raised eyebrow ::::

Fuck you Cupid !!

Tha’ past few years, I did your job FOR ya’, givin’ fellas somethin’ to pass on to their “valentines”…THIS year, Cupid, I’m clownin’ yo’ ass…straight-up spittin’ in yo’ face…coughin’ up a BIG OL’ LOOGEY and HURLIN’ that muh’fucka’ on ya’ like Ms. Pumpkin’ did to Ms. New York on “Flava’ Of Love” !!

HERE ya' go Cupid...pass THESE out, ya' stumpy bastard !!

VALENTINE CARDS THAT DIDNT MAKE IT !!

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk…but tha’ thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow…Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at tha’ store…In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right…I just wish it wasn't $250.00 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class…Especially when I'm spankin’, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished…But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A DAMN SAM’MICH !!

4. Through all tha’ things that came to pass…Our love has grown, but so has your ass.

3. You're a honey and you're a cutie…I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty."

2. I don't wanna’ be sappy or silly or corny…So, right to tha’ point, let's do it…I'm horny !!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister…You should check out tha’ one that I gave to your sister !!

:::: gigglin’ ::::

Now while I think that Valentine’s Day is a COMPLETE waste of time, money and thought, I DO believe in treatin’ tha’ special people in our lives as they are…special people !! It shouldn’t be one time or a few times a year…but rather an EVERY DAY THING !! I make sure that you special people in my life know that you’re special to me…I love ya’ and will be here for you no matter who else fails ya’ !! Sugar Ray is locked-in fo’ life, if ya’ want me to be…

My loyalty is unwavering…unshakable…unquestionable…

It seems that there are quite a few “males” that have a problem with this, since a large number of my associates ( on and offline ) are ladies…these “males” observe tha’ interactions of trust between my lady friends and myself, ASSumin’ I’m tryin’ to pull tha’ same low-level manipulation and self-serving pursuit of “vaginal conquest” that they’re always on…Well I got news fo’ you’ lil’ insignifigant gnat-ass males out here talkin’ shit and hatin’ on a sugarliciously delicious brotha’…

CONTRARY to whatcha’ have in YOUR head ( tha’ one on ya’ shoulders ), I genuinely care about, am concerned about and love my friends and family…just because YOU can’t grasp tha’ concept at all doesn’t mean that it’s not a way of life for people like ME !! It just means that YOU have a whole lotta’ growin’-up to do…and you’ll always be in my “rear-view mirror” of existence !!

Get used to it…besides, in MY world ( which is pretty much EVERYWHERE ), ladies are deservin’ of tha’ very best of me in all aspects, at all times…friendship, nurturing, listenin’, laughin’…whatever I can do to make sure that they feel better than they did before I came into tha’ picture !! And if she has matured and elevated to tha’ full status of a “WOMAN”, then it’s only natural that she’s gonna’ want me…plain n’ simple !! I’m too HANDSOME, too INTELLIGENT, too SUCCESSFUL, too FUNNY…too EVERY-DAYUMMM-THANG !! I’m SUGAR RAY fool…tha’ FUCK is wrong witchu’ ??

Better take notes, LEARN somethin’ and stop tryin’ to compete…THERE IS NO COMPETITION ‘cause COMPETITION IS NONE !! Recognize and absorb tha’ truf’…or take yo’ monkey-ass back to tha’ eternal darkness and I’ll tell yo’ momma not to shit out anymore single-cell organisms, at least not ‘til we figure out what to do with YO’ amoeba ass !! And calm down…I don’t wantcha’ lady…I don’t do tha’ whole “get involved wit’ someone who’s already involved” thang…I’m a friend before ANYTHING ELSE and I’m harmless !! I give of myself without expectin’ anything back, which is what a selfless person SHOULD do…

I’m just me…Sugarliciously Delicious me !! And BECAUSE of that very fact, I’m gonna’ help you fellas out…AGAIN !! PAY CLOSE ATTENTION DAMMIT !!

1. Couples, married or in relationships, should make EVERY DAY with their loved one a "valentines day" of sorts…
2. No expectations, no disappointments...'nuff said…
3. If you feel compelled to go ahead and give gifts, choose gifts that your partner can actually USE, thereby providing longevity to tha' thought behind it…

( Fellas…don't say that I never did anything for ya' broke asses )

- Go to www.proflowers.com and check out their offers for Valentine's Day flowers !! Oh shut up ‘bout ya' damn money...it's for HER, which is ultimately good for YOU, Mr. Self-Absorbed-Ass…
- Go to www.123greetings.com and pick out a good Valentine's Day e-card…
- Put her email in tha' lil’ box so she'll get it and make sure that it is to be sent A.S.A.P. !!
- When you see tha' place where ya’ put a message...I'm gonna' hook ya’ up with some of MY poetry and you're gonna' be seen as tha' sweetest, most generous, most considerate man/boyfriend/husband of all time !!

Just go ahead and gimme’ tha’ blank check now !! What’s tha’ blank check for ?? This shit right here:

”For You, My Precious Valentine For Life”

Every thousand years it is rumored to be true…
Of an angel coming down to earth with a lotta’ work to do…
Who this marvelous being could be was a mystery without clue…
Until now...It’s so very obvious that this angel can only be you !!

Your gentle personality with those lovely eyes and beautiful smile…
Along with soft-lookin’ lips whose kiss always drive me wild…
I'm captivated by what is perceived as your intricate, yet elegant style…
The day I got to meet you, my heart no longer lived in denial…

My conversations with you has touched my heart and stimulated my mind…
"AMAZING" would be the word used when describing such a precious, rare find…
It's you, "Earth Angel", so genuine and compassionate, so intelligent and kind…
So unique, so beautiful, so sexy, so alluring, so addictive and so divine…

I could go on and on with my descriptions, my interpretations of you, for days…
The fact remains in tact of how I'm attracted to you in so many ways…
Hold me in your arms and nothing else will matter, as if I'm in a pleasant daze…
From head to toe, I'd feel attention-getting tingles with your every gaze…

To hold you would be the soothing affection that is needed by me, every single day..
To hear you right now would send sensitive, sweet sensations in every possible way…
To know you is a sign of so many good things that are soon to come without delay…
To be you is to know that you are completely adored by a guy who'll always stay…

With Infinite Love,
(your name )

There ya' go fellas...do it for your 'special one'…

Of course, if you’re too selfish to care, then do it for your own sakes !! UNLESS you WANNA’ see her "dark side" and live in "Apocolypse NOW", permanently…then go ahead and be a dumb-ass by not acknowledging your relationship on Valentine’s Day !!

Don't send her an E-card…
Don't spend $100.00 on flowers and candy…
Don't act like her feelings are important…
Don't say "Happy Valentine's Day" or "I Love You" or anything else that’s affectionate…

Hold out on doin’ all that shit…at ya' own risk !! I’m tellin' ya'...they can SAY that it doesn't matter and that it's no big deal, but if you DON'T at least SAY somethin' out of your normal routine of daily "love", then you may as well go ahead and start tha' "countdown" Dawg…tha' countdown to tha' day where she gives ya’ three shoes…
…two on yo' feet !!
…one in yo' ass !!

Tha' shoe in yo' ass is gonna' be off tha' foot of tha' NEXT guy she lets into her life...tha' guy that comforted her when she was hurt and cryin' ‘cause YO' DUMB ASS didn't go outta' your way to make her feel special…on Valentine's or any other day !!

( Way to go there "Baby Genius"...now take yo' "hung-like-a-baby" ass and scroll back up to where I told ya’ what to do )

To all of you ladies readin' this right now, allow me to be tha' first one to say to you:
((((( HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY ))))) early…MUAH, MUAH, MUAH !! If you're readin' this, then chances are you either aren't with a guy at all or you aren't with a guy that's enthusiastic about makin' you feel special...like ME !!