I can’t stand liars…not in tha’ least bit !! Liars are among a growin’ list of acceptable assholes in our society and I, for one, am sick and tired of ‘em…ALL of ‘em !!
At tha’ same time though, I find ‘em quite amusing…hence this blog commentary ( WITH PICTURES ) !! I’m gonna’ clown on this category of people, just ‘cause my black ass CAN !! If you’re readin’ this and you’re a liar by nature, then get ready…
I gotta’ size 14 Timberland boot that’s about to introduce itself to yo’ ass…
…with no Vaseline !!
Here’s a collection of some of tha’ world's biggest lies ever told...
"The check is in the mail."
"I'll respect you in the morning."
"I'm from your government, and I am here to help you."
"It's only a cold sore."
"You get this one, I'll pay next time."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
"Trust me, I'll take care of everything."
"Of course I love you."
"I am getting a divorce."
"Drinking? Why, no, Officer."
"I never inhaled."
"It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing."
"I never watch television except for PBS."
"...but we can still be good friends."
"She means nothing to me."
"Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
"I gave at the office."
"Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone."
"I'll call you later."
"We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year."
"Read my lips: no new taxes."
"I've never done anything like this before."
"Now, I'm going to tell you the truth."
"It's supposed to make that noise."
"I *love* your new _____!"
"...then take a left. You can't miss it."
"Yes, I did."
"Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile."
HUH ?? Do WHAT ??
You think I’m not bein’ FAIR ??
You think I’m GENERALIZIN’ ??
You think I need to separate all tha’ lies by gender ??
Pssshhhh…
A’ight then…I’ll try it YOUR way…for NOW !!
Ladies…YOU got “first”…
“Top 10 Lies” ( From Males )
10. “No, you don't look fat…”
The following situation is familiar to most guys in relationships: You and your girlfriend are preparing for a night out and, as you wait for her to finish up, she comes out of the bedroom and asks, "Do I look fat in this?" The best answer I have come up with is "No, of course you don't look fat," followed by "You're beautiful" or other flattering comments. Other than ignoring your girlfriend's question, this is the only way to come out of the situation unscathed; your other answers will be twisted into something you didn't mean and door slamming will likely ensue. The bottom line is, she feels chunky and your mission is to put her fears to rest.
9.”I don't enjoy going to strip joints…”
Strip joints, like pornographic movies, appeal to our most primal instincts of sex, which few men (if any) can ignore. It's simply a shame that our girlfriends can't accept that we like seeing beautiful women dancing naked on stage. Despite this logic, the lie still propagates in relationships because it reassures your woman that there is no one else in the world worth fantasizing about. However, in reality, it's natural for us to enjoy this genre of entertainment, just as your girlfriend wouldn't admit to watching soap operas for the handsome men and romantic sex scenes.
8. “We'll talk about it later…”
This little phrase helps most of us end an argument or potential squabble. In most cases, we really don't want to "talk about it later," we never want to talk about it. Putting off the possibility of a blowup gives us some time to underline the uselessness of arguing over something so minute. Although it's a potent tool in your arsenal, make sure not to use it too often or else its underlying motives will become apparent.
7. “You remind me of Jennifer Lopez/Eva Mendes/Halle Berry, etc…”
Tha’ ultimate compliment to a woman can also be your biggest lie. Comparing her to an incredibly beautiful movie star may raise her self-confidence, but let's face it ?- is she really that hot? Congrats to you if she is, but most of us cannot claim that big a prize. Our women are beautiful, but stretching the truth may actually do more harm than good in certain cases. It's all about timing ?- don't lay it on too thick and you'll be getting breakfast in bed in no time.
6. “I love your cooking…”
Since some women can't make toast without a recipe book, there has to be an "out" for guys who get stuck with the culinarily challenged. Your best bet is to grin and bear it. Hey, at least she's cooking for you. However, if you have to ingest antacids by the truckload, perhaps you should start offering to help out with dinner. Otherwise, you may end up having to eat blackened food for years to come.
5. “I don't think of other women…”
Another denial of programmed emotions men face, this lie is usually called for, no matter how moral you are. You don't want to hurt your girlfriend, right? So, you have no choice but to deny that no other women (real or imaginary) are ever on your mind. If she believed you when you said, "I've never seen a woman more beautiful than you," this will be a piece of cake. Just be sure not to precede this lie with #7 on the list. Providing you don't think about other women all the time, you're in the clear because fantasizing or drooling over a hot babe in a magazine from time to time is no crime ?- even a psychiatrist would tell you that.
4. “You can use my razor to shave your legs…”
If the thought of your girlfriend's legs full of hairy fuzz wasn't unsightly enough, some men have to deal with a recycled razor ?- that is, one of your own beard-busters. The thing is, confronting her about this may not be worth it, since the argument could really escalate. Instead, buy her a razor for when she spends the night at your place, and hide your own.
3. “I love Meg Ryan movies…”
Some untruths exist simply to help you save your energy and this is certainly one of them. Instead of explaining how unrealistic, silly and boring romantic comedies are, it is better to simply tune out during the movie and reap the benefits of a happy, romantic-minded girlfriend afterward. Get yourself a big bag of popcorn, candy and a drink, and when you're done, head to the bathroom and chat it up with all the other guys who love Meg Ryan movies.
2. “I love spending time with your mom…”
Sometimes, the key to a woman's heart is through her family, even though they may be more obnoxious than the Costanzas from Seinfeld. It is worth putting up with them if you get the girl, especially if you are really serious about the relationship. Admit to your girlfriend that you do, in fact, enjoy going over to her parents' house for dinner. A fortunate guy will have the best in-laws ever, but, if history is any indication, the odds of this are quite slim. Therefore, enduring her mother's quirks, comments and behavior becomes an important part of your repertoire, as does your insistence that family time is fun.
1. “I'm sorry…”
Whether it's to escape a sticky situation or nip an argument in the bud, these two little words can come in quite handy. Used sparingly, this device is your greatest route to turning your girlfriend's scowl into a smile, if it's said with conviction. She could be going on about one of your idiosyncrasies or something you have said and all you have to do is stop her, say "I'm sorry" followed by a promise to change, and everything will be all right, at least for the time being. This phrase should be familiar, as it is the same one used when your mother scolded you as a child. As such, this lie has stood the test of time and remains the weapon of choice for many stricken males.
OOPS !!!
OH…don’t laugh ladies…ya’ll ain’t exactly settin’ new standards when it comes to bein’ honest about shit !!
For instance…
“Top 10 Lies” ( From Females )
10) "I wouldn't change a thing about you."
Do you really believe that she wouldn't change anything about you? I mean I'm sure you'd change plenty about her but wouldn't dare tell her. There are probably many things about you that she'd like to change, unless you're still in that first flush of romance - and in that case it's only because she hasn't decided what she'd change yet.
9) "I love hanging out with your friends."
She might like your friends but she won't want them around her all the time. This is the kind of lie you get early on in a relationship but it doesn't mean you'll get away with a four hour poker session round your place every Saturday night.
8) "I don't mind picking up after you."
Once again, this is a lie your girlfriend might tell you at the beginning of your relationship. She'll say that she really doesn't mind picking up the dirty dishes you leave lying around and that she just loves doing the laundry. I hate to break it to you, but this isn't going to last either. Soon enough, she'll be telling you to wash your smelly socks yourself and that it's your turn to do the dishes.
7) "I love your family."
A tricky one because on occasion this may be the truth. However, if she secretly despises them, she probably won't tell you in order to spare your feelings. If you really want to know the truth, observe her reactions when they're around. If all the muscles in her face tighten up before she forces a fake smile and mutters an unenthusiastic "Great!", she definitely isn't crazy about them.
6) "I love sports."
Ah, another first date classic as she searches for a common interest. But unless you're lucky enough to have found one of the rare true female sports fans out there, within a few weeks, she'll probably be complaining every time you sit down to watch a game. This lie really sucks because it feeds false hopes in the minds of unsuspecting men.
5) "I won't get mad if you say I look fat."
Not so much a lie as a trap. No matter what you say, she will get angry. If you try to tell her that she looks great, she'll accuse you of lying to make her feel better, on the other hand, if you tell her that she has, in fact, put on a couple of pounds, you're likely to set off a war in your living room.
4) "You're right."
Normally rears its ugly head at the argument which ends with her telling you that you were right. Don't believe her? Even if she realizes she's wrong, chances are slim to none that she'll actually admit it. The fact is that many women will tell you that you're right to shut you up, but what they're really thinking is: "He'll find out soon enough that I'm right." Then she'll proceed to find some devious way to prove their point to you.
3) "It doesn't bother me when you check out other women."
It's quite simple: She wants to feel like you only have eyes for her but will lie because she doesn't want it to look that way. She wants to appear to be open-minded but is actually upset when you check out the hot blonde in the supermarket.
2) "I don't care how much money you have."
It has been proven that women want a guy who is financially stable and independent. They aren't all looking for a sugar daddy; they just want to know that their man is capable of taking care of a potential future family. Of course, your girlfriend probably won't tell you this so as not to scare you off with discussions about family and the future.
1) "Don't worry honey, it happens to everyone."
This lie is only one of the dozens of sex-related lies that women tell to spare their partner's feelings, including the classics "size doesn't matter" and "you're the best I've ever had." Most men will have temporary erectile difficulties at some point in their lives and most women are aware of this fact. However, that doesn't mean that it doesn't bother your girlfriend when you're getting hot and heavy and suddenly there's nothing happening down there.
SO…now that I’ve stirred tha’ proverbial pot a lil’ bit, let’s see what YOU have to say…or add…or dispute…or whatever…
Nonetheless, it’s now YOUR turn…
Class Dismissed !!
Sugar Ray D.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED © 1998-2009 "I Got JOKES"...Dr. Sugar Ray/Sugar Ray D.
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