~ Love ALL….Trust NONE ~
“Don’t take it PERSONAL…it’s just COM-M-M-M-MEDY….from ASS-LEVEL !!”
I know that a lotta’ folks readin’ this will start to cringe at tha’ mention of this one word that I’m gonna’ use as today’s topic: SPIDERS !!
UNLIKE a lotta’ folks, I happen to LIKE spiders !! I’ve kept ‘em as pets, raised and sold ‘em, caught ‘em, studied ‘em….I have a complete understanding of and a healthy respect for my eight-legged comrades on this planet !! But even I can’t explain what happened recently, which is what you’re about to “experience” as ya’ read about it..
While I will readily deal with any spider, anybody who knows me will tell you that I will do ANYTHING to avoid bees !! Hell, I’ll tell ya’ so….and if push came to shove, I’d run over my own mother to get away from a dayummm bee !! But I handle Black Widow spiders with my bare hands….go figure..
I deal with spiders that eat MICE and weigh as much as TWO POUNDS, but a bee will send my black ass into an automatic spasm of chaotic energy, with anything and anyone around me subsequently in danger of bein’ physically harmed….BY ME !! I mean it folks….if a bee is around me, you’d better NOT be !! Tha’ reason why I’m tellin’ you this is ‘cause of what happened to inspire me to write this particular commentary..
Tha’ other night, we got hit with some strong-ass thunderstorms, which practically drowned tha’ entire city and knocked our electricity out for a while, lightnin’ like nobody’s business !! I have aquariums all over my house, so with me bein’ a “rollin’ lightnin’ rod” of sorts, I wasn’t feelin’ too safe ‘bout carryin’ on as normal durin’ these electric temper-tantrums ‘cause I’m old school !! We were taught as children to not take unnecessary chances, ESPECIALLY durin’ storms…so I quietly waited tha’ storms out with a Jeffery Deaver book { “The Blue Nowhere” } !!
Needless to say, when tha’ last storm moved through, it was close to 3:00 a.m. and I was finally relaxin’….One final check through my house and bedtime !! Piece of cake..
So I get to my front door and open it to see what my front porch looked like….there were tree branches down in my front yard, my porch chairs had been blown over, a bird’s nest had been..
What tha’….what is this movin’ towards…oh HOLYYYY SH-T !! LEGS….BIG, THICK, LONNNNG LEGS !!
It startled me at first ya’ll….a spider !! But not ANY kinda’ spider….it was a thick-bodied spider, not in a web…which told me that it was some kinda’ Wolf Spider, a North American cousin of tha’ tarantula !! It was walkin’ like it OWNED my front porch, havin’ NO FEAR of ME, which ALSO told me that it was a Wolf Spider….they have no fear of humans !! It was roughly tha’ size of a CD, with a fat backside, which CONFIRMED that it was a Wolf Spider !! Tha’ only thing that didn’t follow suit about this Wolf Spider was tha’ color, which I didn’t see ‘til it was in my house, in tha’ light..
OH YEAH….that muh’f-cka walked right up in my house like it had an invitation !! And once it was IN my house, I was scramblin’ around lookin’ for somethin’ to put it in !! I was bound and determined to catch this mammoth of a spider, WITHOUT bein’ bitten in tha’ process !! I’m a SAFE “spider catcher” dammit..
Okay, I lied….catchin’ spiders is in itself DANGEROUS, so I’ll just say that I’m a CAUTIOUS “spider catcher” !! Of course if I was all THAT cautious, I would’ve closed my front door while I was tryin’ to scoop this muh’f-cka up in a jar..
:::: smacks forehead ::::
Lemme’ just say that I have hard-wood floors throughout most of my house and this spider was so big that it made noise as it ran across ‘em !! I could hear lil’ “clickety-clack” sounds from tha’ lil’ hooks on it’s feet !! It moved towards me and I leaned down to catch it, a net in one hand and a small bucket in tha’ other !! Just as I got close enough to it with tha’ net to “direct” it towards tha’ bucket, I guess that it realized what I was tryin’ to do and it took off runnin’, shovin’ tha’ net and my hand outta’ tha’ way in tha’ process !!
Now THAT’S a big-ass spider !!
Ya’ll, it completely MOVED tha’ net outta’ tha’ way with it’s legs as it ran by !! In fact, it wasn’t even runnin’ fast….it was more like a fast walk or a routine jog, movin’ sh-t like it was nothin’ and continuin’ at a deliberate pace, almost darin’ me to try it again….with a “clickety-clack” pimp walk !! And it was headed back towards tha’ front door….my OPEN front door..
It seemed that as I was completely focused on catchin’ this eight-legged mutant, I was totally oblivious to tha’ OTHER “visitor” that had been displaced by these thunderstorms..
I saw it right as it saw me….a huge black body with a white face and an obviously bad attitude..
A HORNET !!
I went from focused to frightened in .06 seconds and probably lost all pigmentation in my skin as I was strugglin’ to take a breath !! This thing must’ve sensed that ‘cause it was perched on my door frame ‘til tha’ point where we made “eye contact”..
Well my TWO eyes to it’s two HUNDRED lil’ eyes !!
It flew towards me and I freaked tha’ f-ck out !! Not only did I almost hit tha’ floor, but I knocked over a few of my Siamese Fighting Fish tanks…knocked two candles to tha’ floor, shatterin’ ‘em in tha’ process…ran over glass and punctured a tire on my wheelchair that’s almost flat now…hit myself in tha’ head with tha’ bucket I had in my hand as I swung at this monstrous flyin’ insect…broke tha’ blinds in one of my windows with tha’ same net I was tryin’ to catch tha’ spider with moments earlier…caused such a commotion, with my front door STILL open mind you, that tha’ next door neighbor’s Jack Russell Terrier came to investigate and started barkin’ after seein’ me in hand-to-hand combat with this hornet { well, hand-to-stinger combat } and hearin’ me yellin’ in a foreign language that even I didn’t know I knew !!
Needless to say that when tha’ dog started barkin’, it apparently upset tha’ spider, which was also at tha’ front door and none too happy !! I looked over just in time to see tha’ spider raise it’s legs in a defensive posture to tha’ dog, right before tha’ dog sniffed at it and got lit-up !! That Wolf Spider bit tha’ dog and held on !!
Tha’ poor dog shook it’s head all around tryin’ to get tha’ spider to let go, but it wasn’t havin’ it !! Then tha’ dog started yelpin’…LOUDLY !! I didn’t want my neighbors to wake up and think that I was hurtin’ their dog, so I moved back towards tha’ front door, thinkin’ that I was gonna’ help tha’ situation, only to hear “Bzzzzzzzzz !!” right next to my ear !!
Again, my black ass panicked and ducked down and leaned in tha’ opposite direction, fearin’ that this hornet was tryin’ to land on my ear and sting me !! I had to get outta’ tha’ way quickly ‘cause not only do bee stings from large bees HURT like a muh’f-cka, but I’m allergic to ‘em !! At tha’ same time as my “evasive lean”, I suddenly felt this cold pain and saw stars..
I’d leaned right into tha’ edge of my open front door !!
Tha’ COLD pain was now throbbin’ and hot….and hurtin’….and I was a lil’ bit dizzy, no longer worryin’ ‘bout tha’ yelpin’ dog, tha’ escapin’ spider or tha’ pissed-off bald-faced hornet !! I was now tryin’ to keep from fallin’ to tha’ ground..
OHHHHH my headdddd..
As I started to regain focus, I saw and heard tha’ spider runnin’ off my front porch !! From what I could tell, it let go of tha’ dog’s nose and decided to get tha’ f-ck outta’ dodge !!
Tha’ normally nosey Jack Russell Terrier was now tha’ “runnin’ like a scared prostitute bein’ chased by tha’ cops” Jack Russell Terrier !!
And tha’ Bald-Faced Hornet { I looked it up and that’s what they’re called for some reason !! They all look alike to me ‘cause they all have STINGERS !! } was nowhere to be found !! THAT had me worried, achin’ head or no achin’ head !!
I checked my immediate personal area…..no hornet !!
I checked my circumference….no hornet !!
I checked my perimeter….no hornet !!
Hmmmmmmm…I was NOT gonna’ just assume that it flew out tha’ door while I was inflictin’ damage to myself !! I absolutely refused to..
“BZZ..BZZZZZZ…BZZZZZZZZ !!”
Without even breathin’ and my EYES WIDE OPEN, I looked towards where tha’ sound was comin’ from….my front porch !!
* PERK *
It’s already OUTSIDE !! QUICK, CLOSE THA’ DOOR….CLOSE THA’ DOOR….DUMB ASS, CLOSE THA’ MUH’F-CKIN’ DOOR….NOW !!
Tha’ thought went through my mind a number of times and I couldn’t seem to move fast ENOUGH, but I finally managed to grab tha’ door and proceeded to put all my energy into one fluid motion of pushin’ it closed....a lil’ bit too much energy !!
I have 12 small windows on my front door….THEY rattled loose !!
I have mini-blinds on my front door too…
* correction *….I HAD mini-blinds on my front door !!
Tha’ door closed with a “SLAMMM !!!”….tha’ window panes shook loose…tha’ mini-blinds with flyin’ !!
:::: shakin’ my head ::::
I’m waitin’ on someone to come replace tha’ frames ‘round my 12 windows on my front door and for someone to replace and install new mini-blinds….costin’ me a “pretty penny” !!
F-ckin’ spiders !!
F-ckin’ HORNETS !!
F-cki’n THUNDERSTORMS !!
GRRRRRRRR !!
Anybody wanna’ join my dumb black ass for a drink ?? I need to numb this big-ass KNOT on my head..
:::: rolls eyes ::::
Quit laughin’ at meeeeee..
Class Dismissed…EARLY !!
