Oh CUPID, C'MERE...I Got Somethin' Fo' Yo' Ass !!

I HATE Valentines Day

WARNING: In today’s commentary, there will be gratuitous usage of bad language, racial-motivated depictions and fairly graphic visual aids…along with my sarcastically harsh intellect and brutally honest bluntness !! It’s intended to act as a “dart” towards tha’ immature thinkin’, self-centered dumb-assess while servin’ as comic relief for us…tha’ mature audience !!

:::: writin’ a letter to Cupid ::::

Dear Cupid..

I’m arrangin’ a meetin’…one that REQUIRES YOUR PRESENCE !! It’s a meetin’ of dire importance…of intensely immense proportions…of great relevance…knowaddamean ??

Yes Cupid…this meetin’ is a matter of life and death…between my size-14 FOOT and yo’ instigatin’ ASS…ol’ punk muh’fucka !! Kiss my bare-nekkid carameliciously-dimpled black ass !!

Homicidally Yours,
Sugar Ray D.

GRRRRR !!

FUCK CUPID and FUCK Valentine’s Day !! I know fo’ dayummm sho’ that it ain’t a BLACK holiday, even though some NIMROD decided to ASSociate ‘em togetha’ in Black History Month !!

W.T.F. ??!! Black men ain’t gonna’ trust some lil’ fat white kid with wings, a bow and an unlimited supply of arrows…oh heyelll nawww !!! May as well give him a noose too !! On top of that, ain’t no black man gonna’ wait around after we hear this lil’ fat white kid with wings, a bow and arrows say, “I’m gonna’ shoot you through your heart and you’ll find TRUE love…”

:::: shakin’ my head ::::

Fuck all that !! We’re gonna’ do one of two things:
…RUN !!
…FIGHT !!

Okay I lied…we’re probably gonna’ do BOTH…whoopin’ his ass, THEN runnin’ !! Either way ya’ look at it, we ain’t gonna’ wait to hear that entire sentence…

All WE gotta’ hear is “I’m gonna’ shoot you…” and it’s on !! But if by some unusual circumstance we’re still in “listenin’ mode” after havin’ heard tha’ key word “shoot”, then all we’d hear before our “natural response” is triggered will be tha’ followin’ three words: ”through tha’ heart…” !! Anything else beyond THAT point is irrelevant...we’ll spring into ACTION…in tha’ wind and that’d be a wrap !!

Make no mistake Cupid…men don’t like you, but us BLACK men REALLY don’t like yo’ ass !! Be glad you’re white…’cause if you were black, Lord help ya’ !! Our women alone would make you pay DEARLY for plantin’ false expectations…

If Cupid were black, he’d be a non-baby genius ass, un-edumicated, chittlin’-slurpin’, giant orangutan lookin’, broke-ass duffle-bag corner-boy livin’, 15-baby makin’, vaginally-challenged female sexin’, “my hood is GREASY, it ain’t EASY” spittin’, bronze-plated toenail havin’, Busta’ Brown shoe wearin’, catfish pussy lickin’, “massa gon’ whip me” slave boat travelin’, need an upgrade ass, niggacentric piece of shit…Ol’ Captain Crotch-Rot…Mr. Loin Dust…Mr. Dark Crystal…Shadow Khan…Pet Blackenstein…Cupid Tha’ Crispy-Ass Hemorrhoid Stain…

:::: raised eyebrow ::::

Fuck you Cupid !!

Tha’ past few years, I did your job FOR ya’, givin’ fellas somethin’ to pass on to their “valentines”…THIS year, Cupid, I’m clownin’ yo’ ass…straight-up spittin’ in yo’ face…coughin’ up a BIG OL’ LOOGEY and HURLIN’ that muh’fucka’ on ya’ like Ms. Pumpkin’ did to Ms. New York on “Flava’ Of Love” !!

HERE ya' go Cupid...pass THESE out, ya' stumpy bastard !!

VALENTINE CARDS THAT DIDNT MAKE IT !!

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk…but tha’ thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow…Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at tha’ store…In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right…I just wish it wasn't $250.00 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class…Especially when I'm spankin’, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished…But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A DAMN SAM’MICH !!

4. Through all tha’ things that came to pass…Our love has grown, but so has your ass.

3. You're a honey and you're a cutie…I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty."

2. I don't wanna’ be sappy or silly or corny…So, right to tha’ point, let's do it…I'm horny !!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister…You should check out tha’ one that I gave to your sister !!

:::: gigglin’ ::::

Now while I think that Valentine’s Day is a COMPLETE waste of time, money and thought, I DO believe in treatin’ tha’ special people in our lives as they are…special people !! It shouldn’t be one time or a few times a year…but rather an EVERY DAY THING !! I make sure that you special people in my life know that you’re special to me…I love ya’ and will be here for you no matter who else fails ya’ !! Sugar Ray is locked-in fo’ life, if ya’ want me to be…

My loyalty is unwavering…unshakable…unquestionable…

It seems that there are quite a few “males” that have a problem with this, since a large number of my associates ( on and offline ) are ladies…these “males” observe tha’ interactions of trust between my lady friends and myself, ASSumin’ I’m tryin’ to pull tha’ same low-level manipulation and self-serving pursuit of “vaginal conquest” that they’re always on…Well I got news fo’ you’ lil’ insignifigant gnat-ass males out here talkin’ shit and hatin’ on a sugarliciously delicious brotha’…

CONTRARY to whatcha’ have in YOUR head ( tha’ one on ya’ shoulders ), I genuinely care about, am concerned about and love my friends and family…just because YOU can’t grasp tha’ concept at all doesn’t mean that it’s not a way of life for people like ME !! It just means that YOU have a whole lotta’ growin’-up to do…and you’ll always be in my “rear-view mirror” of existence !!

Get used to it…besides, in MY world ( which is pretty much EVERYWHERE ), ladies are deservin’ of tha’ very best of me in all aspects, at all times…friendship, nurturing, listenin’, laughin’…whatever I can do to make sure that they feel better than they did before I came into tha’ picture !! And if she has matured and elevated to tha’ full status of a “WOMAN”, then it’s only natural that she’s gonna’ want me…plain n’ simple !! I’m too HANDSOME, too INTELLIGENT, too SUCCESSFUL, too FUNNY…too EVERY-DAYUMMM-THANG !! I’m SUGAR RAY fool…tha’ FUCK is wrong witchu’ ??

Better take notes, LEARN somethin’ and stop tryin’ to compete…THERE IS NO COMPETITION ‘cause COMPETITION IS NONE !! Recognize and absorb tha’ truf’…or take yo’ monkey-ass back to tha’ eternal darkness and I’ll tell yo’ momma not to shit out anymore single-cell organisms, at least not ‘til we figure out what to do with YO’ amoeba ass !! And calm down…I don’t wantcha’ lady…I don’t do tha’ whole “get involved wit’ someone who’s already involved” thang…I’m a friend before ANYTHING ELSE and I’m harmless !! I give of myself without expectin’ anything back, which is what a selfless person SHOULD do…

I’m just me…Sugarliciously Delicious me !! And BECAUSE of that very fact, I’m gonna’ help you fellas out…AGAIN !! PAY CLOSE ATTENTION DAMMIT !!

1. Couples, married or in relationships, should make EVERY DAY with their loved one a "valentines day" of sorts…
2. No expectations, no disappointments...'nuff said…
3. If you feel compelled to go ahead and give gifts, choose gifts that your partner can actually USE, thereby providing longevity to tha' thought behind it…

( Fellas…don't say that I never did anything for ya' broke asses )

- Go to www.proflowers.com and check out their offers for Valentine's Day flowers !! Oh shut up ‘bout ya' damn money...it's for HER, which is ultimately good for YOU, Mr. Self-Absorbed-Ass…
- Go to www.123greetings.com and pick out a good Valentine's Day e-card…
- Put her email in tha' lil’ box so she'll get it and make sure that it is to be sent A.S.A.P. !!
- When you see tha' place where ya’ put a message...I'm gonna' hook ya’ up with some of MY poetry and you're gonna' be seen as tha' sweetest, most generous, most considerate man/boyfriend/husband of all time !!

Just go ahead and gimme’ tha’ blank check now !! What’s tha’ blank check for ?? This shit right here:

”For You, My Precious Valentine For Life”

Every thousand years it is rumored to be true…
Of an angel coming down to earth with a lotta’ work to do…
Who this marvelous being could be was a mystery without clue…
Until now...It’s so very obvious that this angel can only be you !!

Your gentle personality with those lovely eyes and beautiful smile…
Along with soft-lookin’ lips whose kiss always drive me wild…
I'm captivated by what is perceived as your intricate, yet elegant style…
The day I got to meet you, my heart no longer lived in denial…

My conversations with you has touched my heart and stimulated my mind…
"AMAZING" would be the word used when describing such a precious, rare find…
It's you, "Earth Angel", so genuine and compassionate, so intelligent and kind…
So unique, so beautiful, so sexy, so alluring, so addictive and so divine…

I could go on and on with my descriptions, my interpretations of you, for days…
The fact remains in tact of how I'm attracted to you in so many ways…
Hold me in your arms and nothing else will matter, as if I'm in a pleasant daze…
From head to toe, I'd feel attention-getting tingles with your every gaze…

To hold you would be the soothing affection that is needed by me, every single day..
To hear you right now would send sensitive, sweet sensations in every possible way…
To know you is a sign of so many good things that are soon to come without delay…
To be you is to know that you are completely adored by a guy who'll always stay…

With Infinite Love,
(your name )

There ya' go fellas...do it for your 'special one'…

Of course, if you’re too selfish to care, then do it for your own sakes !! UNLESS you WANNA’ see her "dark side" and live in "Apocolypse NOW", permanently…then go ahead and be a dumb-ass by not acknowledging your relationship on Valentine’s Day !!

Don't send her an E-card…
Don't spend $100.00 on flowers and candy…
Don't act like her feelings are important…
Don't say "Happy Valentine's Day" or "I Love You" or anything else that’s affectionate…

Hold out on doin’ all that shit…at ya' own risk !! I’m tellin' ya'...they can SAY that it doesn't matter and that it's no big deal, but if you DON'T at least SAY somethin' out of your normal routine of daily "love", then you may as well go ahead and start tha' "countdown" Dawg…tha' countdown to tha' day where she gives ya’ three shoes…
…two on yo' feet !!
…one in yo' ass !!

Tha' shoe in yo' ass is gonna' be off tha' foot of tha' NEXT guy she lets into her life...tha' guy that comforted her when she was hurt and cryin' ‘cause YO' DUMB ASS didn't go outta' your way to make her feel special…on Valentine's or any other day !!

( Way to go there "Baby Genius"...now take yo' "hung-like-a-baby" ass and scroll back up to where I told ya’ what to do )

To all of you ladies readin' this right now, allow me to be tha' first one to say to you:
((((( HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY ))))) early…MUAH, MUAH, MUAH !! If you're readin' this, then chances are you either aren't with a guy at all or you aren't with a guy that's enthusiastic about makin' you feel special...like ME !!

But then again, my black ass is also alone too...and I'm not at all tore-up about it !!

Go figure… 

Class Dismissed !!

Sugar Ray D.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED © 1998-2012 "I Got JOKES"...Dr. Sugar Ray/Sugar Ray D.

Just Give 'Em An R.P.T. !!

Just Give ‘Em A Random Pop-Tart





Givin’ a random pop-tart doesn’t mean whatcha’ think it means…ya’ll should know by now that I don’t follow many rules…lol

Givin’ a “random pop-tart” means thatcha’ pimp-slap/smack somebody without warning…and simply smile afterwards, with no explanation as to “why”…then walk away like nothin’ ever happened !!

A random pop-tart…an “R.P.T.” !!







:::: battin’ my eyelashes atcha’ ::::


Now that I’ve cleared THAT up, I’m givin’ out a few R.P.T.’s today…startin’ with tha’ DUMB ASSES who put together this new cast for Dancing With The Stars”… !! THAT’S RIGHT…ya’ll get a **POP-TART** from my black ass…NO, I don’t watch your show, yet I have to hear about this shit over and over and over again from folks who DO watch it…and if THAT wasn’t bad ENOUGH, I have to hear ‘bout this bullshit on my ESPN shows now, for whatever reason they can use to justify “reportin’” on it… ( By tha’ way, ESPN…ya’ll get a **POP-TART** too for reportin’ on this non-sportin’ shit, fo’ fuck sake !! )

:::: rollin’ my eyes ::::

Lawrence Taylor, Lil’ Kim and Steve-O are gonna’ be on tha’ new “Dancing With The Stars”…

:::: blank stare ::::

I have some SOUND advice for tha’ folks runnin’ that show…

( Regardin’ Lawrence ) Hide all tha’ cocaine…marijuana…muscle relaxants, pain killers, Benadryl and any other drug that can be swallowed, sniffed, injected or huffed…ya’ don’t want your entire viewing audience to see this fool overdose on stage ( “ig’nant nigga shit” ) durin’ a taping !!




**POP-TART**


( Regardin’ Lil’ Ho…I mean Kim ) Don’t leave anybody in tha’ room alone with Lil’ Kim for longer than 2 minutes, otherwise she’ll be naked and tryin’ to fuck ‘em…or lick ‘em…or have them lickin’ her…she’ll be molestin’ ‘em in SOME way, shape or form !!




**POP-TART**


( Regardin’ DUMB-ass from JACKass ) Hide all your ladders, stages, ironing boards, washing machines…ANY appliance thatcha’ DON’T want to end up bein’ demolished on “Jackass” !! Also, I STRONGLY SUGGEST thatcha’ stipulate in his contract that he must REMAIN FULLY CLOTHED AT ALL TIMES !! You’re on durin’ “family time” and ya’ don’t want anybody to be scarred for life !!




**POP-TARRRTTT**

Next…

Tiger Woods…**congrats** on your new baby boy, Mr. I’m Da’ Baddest Golfer On Planet Earth !! I wish your family all tha’ peace, health and happiness thatcha’ deserve…however, you get a **POP-TART** for namin’ that poor child Charlie Axel…

AXEL ??!! Were you still anesthetized when you came up with that shit ?? AXEL…Tiger ??

:::: shakin’ my head ::::

Ya’ know what Tiger ?? I believe you…I truly and honestly believe you now…yo’ ass definitely isn’t a NEGROID, that’s fo’ sure !! You’ve publicly and repeatedly denounced your African American heritage and if there was ANY doubt that you hate black people, than THIS lil’ nigga’ named Axel should put all that to rest !!







**POP-TART** to his lil’ bad ass…before he becomes a bad ass lil’ Bebe’s Kid !!

:::: BIGGGG dimpled smile ::::


My NEXT one goes to AEP…American Electric Power company…

My power went out at 5:30 this mornin’…while I was KNOCKED OUT asleep and ENJOYIN’ a rather WET, NASTY DREAM involvin’ an extremely dangerously-curved woman with pretty eyes and a high sex-drive !! Oh…you’re probably wonderin’ how I knew my power was out if I was enthralled in this torrid, lust-filled dream ?? Well, since I have an alternating air-mattress on my bed, a power outage would take me from “comfortable” to “HIGHLY UN-comfortable” in a matter of seconds…







Do you know what happens in a dream when your physical being goes from “comfortable” to “UN-comfortable”, huh ?? HUH ?? Let’s just say that I went from sweaty LUST to sweaty FEAR in .69 seconds ( all you’re gonna’ get about THAT )…and I woke up to a loud, beeping sound comin’ from tha’ air generator on my bed ( indicating power failure and decompression of my air mattress ) !! Do you know what’s UNDER a comfortable air mattress on a mechanical bed ?? A hard ass FRAME…METAL frame… !!





Ya’ know what happens to a warm room durin’ a power outage ?? Tha’ muh’fucka gets COLD…FAST…in FEBRUARY !! Ya’ know what happens to 20-plus aquariums and bowls in a…oh wait…20 plus TROPICAL aquariums and bowls…as in fish that need to live in water that’s over 70 degrees continuously ??Know what happens ?? Tha’ temperature DROPS…BELOW 70 degrees !! Wanna’ know what happens when there’s a fuckin’ power outage for almost 3 hours at 5:30 in tha’ dayummm mornin’ ?!! TROPICAL AQUARIUMS suddenly become REFRIDGERATED AQUARIUMS !! I could’ve had SUSHI for breakfast, thanks to muh’fuckin’ A.E.P…American Electric Power…Appalachian Power-A division of American Electric Power !!

Lemme’ ask ya’ll NIMRODS at A.E.P. somethin’: when you gave yourselves RAISES, was that because you updated and improved your service ?? Or was it because one of you had an epiphany of sorts and suggested tha’ idea, thereby justifyin’ givin’ yourselves a raise, ‘cause I personally think that ( take notes…this is a doozy )…

:::: looks over my shoulder ::::

( whispers ) MOST MUH’FUCKAS DON’T GET RAISES UNTIL THEY ACTUALLY DO SOMETHIN’ FIRST !!





**POP-TART** **POP-TART** **POP-TART** **POP-TART**

**POP fuckin’ TART** !!


And last one of tha’ day ( gotta’ love how my week is startin’ so far )…

There’s this lil’ place right up tha’ road from my house that HAD tha’ best French fries in town…a lil’ place called “The Cavalier”…

A lotta’ you readin’ this know exactly where I’m talkin’ about….everybody else, just picture a place that you consider to be your go-to place for your favorite fast food…NOW imagine findin’ out that place cooked ROAD KILL and called it “food” !! That’s about where I’m at with “The Cavalier” !!

Why ??

I’m GLAD YOU ASKED…see, what had happened was…

Stephanie and I ( Hi Baby Girl !! ) went to have lunch there…we both loved their fries and burgers and such…we were lookin’ forward to this all week !! We got there and right from tha’ start, this was a DOOMED EXCURSION !! Tha’ waitress of this hole-in-tha’-wall was so rude that she stepped OVER me AS I was backin’ up to get outta’ her way, in what proved to be a pathway of death for me ( and anybody else in a wheelchair ) !! Even though I wasn’t in tha’ wrong, I offered an “I’m sorry…excuse me hun” to her, just in case she may have thought that I was tryin’ to act like I was entitled to take up all that space in her tiny lil’ pathway to tha’ world or somethin’…I didn’t want to give her any reason to possibly complain or use me as an excuse to not be at her best, ya’ know…I was thinkin’ ahead and tryin’ to make things easier for her…

What did this “steppin’-over-a brotha’” waitress do in return ??

“I’m COMIN’ back THROUGH here, just to let YOU know !!” was what she snapped at me after I excused myself outta’ her way…




:::: raised eyebrow ::::


With God’s help, I held my tongue… ( He’s tha’ ONLY reason I didn’t proceed to verbally assault this rude ass trallop with a ugly, wrinkled-vagina face, ol’ human Shar-Pei !! ) Stephanie was with me, this place was crowded ( and SMALL ) and we were both very hungry, so I kept my mouth shut ( for once ) handin’ Stephanie my card to go up to tha’ counter and order our food while I tried to figure out if we were goin’ to take it back to my house or try to find a spot in there to sit and eat…all while backin’ my chair into a corner area outta’ everybody’s way ‘cause this place WAS NOT WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE…plus I don’t like bein’ in anyone’s way…

:::: blank stare ::::

So Steph goes to tha’ counter and there’s a crazy-lookin’ old guy with an apron on takin’ food orders and also cookin’…go figure !! She orders our food ( it was a lotta’ food ‘cause I was starvin’ ) and tha’ guy tells her that it’d be however long and yells back to whoever was cookin’ ( or sent it back on an order slip…I can’t remember ) !! THEN when he told her how much, she gave him tha’ card that I gave her to use…

He looked at tha’ card, looked at ME, looked at HER, looked BACK at me, then BACK at HER and says, “We don’t take no plastic here !!” and throws my card back at her…




**PERK**


They’ve taken my card there before…they’ve taken other cards from other people there before…there were no signs posted anywhere about NOT takin’ plastic !! In fact, I saw one ( as we left ) that showed they took Visa, MasterCard AND American Express…then it dawned on me…not you Stephanie DAWN…I mean tha’ reason WHY they were so rude and ugly: they don’t accept plastic in there…when it’s a Caucasian woman with an African American man…or in The Cavalier’s eyes, a “nigger”…









**POP-TART** **POP-TART** **POP-TART** **POP-TART** **POP-TART** **POP-TART** **POP-TART** **POP-TART** **POP-TART** **POP-TART**


I give The Cavalier 10 R.P.T.’s…’cause in 10 days, I’m filing an official notice…downtown…

See, in THIS day and age, ( I SO love my wheelchair right now ) every place of business HAS TO BE WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE !! Their BATHROOMS have to be accessible…entrances and exits have to be accessible…tha’ whole nine !! If they’re NOT, then guess what ??!!





Stayin’ OPEN FOR BUSINESS suddenly becomes an EPIC FAIL…I’m givin’ ‘em 10 days to let ME know one way or tha’ other, what they’re gonna’ do !! And since they’ve already shown me THEIR “hand” about what they think of people like ME ( “niggers” ) AND what they think of women such as Stephanie ( who was WITH a “nigger” in their minds ), I think it’s time for me to go ahead and show ‘em just who they’re fuckin’ with…

…an N.W.A. !! ( look it up if you don’t already know what that is !! )

Like I said…The Cavalier HAD tha’ best fries in town…now they’ll just be known for havin’ a **POP-TART** instead !! Ya’ll wanna’ mistreat folks as ya’ cook up roaches and rats to take their money ?? Then get it outta’ yo’ own asses ( from now on )…I’m takin’ yo’ bank stash !!





:::: BIG DIMPLED SMILE ::::


Eh fuck ‘em…I’ll keep ya’ll informed…enough ‘bout ME…

Who do YOU wanna’ give a R.P.T. ( Random **POP-TART** ) to ?? Let a cute, dimpled brotha’ know…maybe I can help…





**POP-TARRRTTT**

Class Dismissed !!
Sugar Ray D.


ALL RIGHTS RESERVED © 1998-2009 "I Got JOKES"...Dr. Sugar Ray/Sugar Ray D.

LIARS BEWARE !!

I can’t stand liars…not in tha’ least bit !! Liars are among a growin’ list of acceptable assholes in our society and I, for one, am sick and tired of ‘em…ALL of ‘em !!

At tha’ same time though, I find ‘em quite amusing…hence this blog commentary ( WITH PICTURES ) !! I’m gonna’ clown on this category of people, just ‘cause my black ass CAN !! If you’re readin’ this and you’re a liar by nature, then get ready…

I gotta’ size 14 Timberland boot that’s about to introduce itself to yo’ ass…
…with no Vaseline !!







Here’s a collection of some of tha’ world's biggest lies ever told...

"The check is in the mail."
"I'll respect you in the morning."
"I'm from your government, and I am here to help you."
"It's only a cold sore."
"You get this one, I'll pay next time."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
"Trust me, I'll take care of everything."
"Of course I love you."
"I am getting a divorce."
"Drinking? Why, no, Officer."
"I never inhaled."
"It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing."
"I never watch television except for PBS."
"...but we can still be good friends."
"She means nothing to me."
"Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
"I gave at the office."
"Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone."
"I'll call you later."
"We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year."
"Read my lips: no new taxes."
"I've never done anything like this before."
"Now, I'm going to tell you the truth."
"It's supposed to make that noise."
"I *love* your new _____!"
"...then take a left. You can't miss it."
"Yes, I did."
"Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile."





HUH ?? Do WHAT ??

You think I’m not bein’ FAIR ??

You think I’m GENERALIZIN’ ??

You think I need to separate all tha’ lies by gender ??

Pssshhhh…

A’ight then…I’ll try it YOUR way…for NOW !!

Ladies…YOU got “first”…





“Top 10 Lies” ( From Males )





10. “No, you don't look fat…”
The following situation is familiar to most guys in relationships: You and your girlfriend are preparing for a night out and, as you wait for her to finish up, she comes out of the bedroom and asks, "Do I look fat in this?" The best answer I have come up with is "No, of course you don't look fat," followed by "You're beautiful" or other flattering comments. Other than ignoring your girlfriend's question, this is the only way to come out of the situation unscathed; your other answers will be twisted into something you didn't mean and door slamming will likely ensue. The bottom line is, she feels chunky and your mission is to put her fears to rest.

9.”I don't enjoy going to strip joints…”
Strip joints, like pornographic movies, appeal to our most primal instincts of sex, which few men (if any) can ignore. It's simply a shame that our girlfriends can't accept that we like seeing beautiful women dancing naked on stage. Despite this logic, the lie still propagates in relationships because it reassures your woman that there is no one else in the world worth fantasizing about. However, in reality, it's natural for us to enjoy this genre of entertainment, just as your girlfriend wouldn't admit to watching soap operas for the handsome men and romantic sex scenes.

8. “We'll talk about it later…”
This little phrase helps most of us end an argument or potential squabble. In most cases, we really don't want to "talk about it later," we never want to talk about it. Putting off the possibility of a blowup gives us some time to underline the uselessness of arguing over something so minute. Although it's a potent tool in your arsenal, make sure not to use it too often or else its underlying motives will become apparent.

7. “You remind me of Jennifer Lopez/Eva Mendes/Halle Berry, etc…”
Tha’ ultimate compliment to a woman can also be your biggest lie. Comparing her to an incredibly beautiful movie star may raise her self-confidence, but let's face it ?- is she really that hot? Congrats to you if she is, but most of us cannot claim that big a prize. Our women are beautiful, but stretching the truth may actually do more harm than good in certain cases. It's all about timing ?- don't lay it on too thick and you'll be getting breakfast in bed in no time.

6. “I love your cooking…”
Since some women can't make toast without a recipe book, there has to be an "out" for guys who get stuck with the culinarily challenged. Your best bet is to grin and bear it. Hey, at least she's cooking for you. However, if you have to ingest antacids by the truckload, perhaps you should start offering to help out with dinner. Otherwise, you may end up having to eat blackened food for years to come.






5. “I don't think of other women…”
Another denial of programmed emotions men face, this lie is usually called for, no matter how moral you are. You don't want to hurt your girlfriend, right? So, you have no choice but to deny that no other women (real or imaginary) are ever on your mind. If she believed you when you said, "I've never seen a woman more beautiful than you," this will be a piece of cake. Just be sure not to precede this lie with #7 on the list. Providing you don't think about other women all the time, you're in the clear because fantasizing or drooling over a hot babe in a magazine from time to time is no crime ?- even a psychiatrist would tell you that.

4. “You can use my razor to shave your legs…”
If the thought of your girlfriend's legs full of hairy fuzz wasn't unsightly enough, some men have to deal with a recycled razor ?- that is, one of your own beard-busters. The thing is, confronting her about this may not be worth it, since the argument could really escalate. Instead, buy her a razor for when she spends the night at your place, and hide your own.

3. “I love Meg Ryan movies…”
Some untruths exist simply to help you save your energy and this is certainly one of them. Instead of explaining how unrealistic, silly and boring romantic comedies are, it is better to simply tune out during the movie and reap the benefits of a happy, romantic-minded girlfriend afterward. Get yourself a big bag of popcorn, candy and a drink, and when you're done, head to the bathroom and chat it up with all the other guys who love Meg Ryan movies.

2. “I love spending time with your mom…”
Sometimes, the key to a woman's heart is through her family, even though they may be more obnoxious than the Costanzas from Seinfeld. It is worth putting up with them if you get the girl, especially if you are really serious about the relationship. Admit to your girlfriend that you do, in fact, enjoy going over to her parents' house for dinner. A fortunate guy will have the best in-laws ever, but, if history is any indication, the odds of this are quite slim. Therefore, enduring her mother's quirks, comments and behavior becomes an important part of your repertoire, as does your insistence that family time is fun.

1. “I'm sorry…”
Whether it's to escape a sticky situation or nip an argument in the bud, these two little words can come in quite handy. Used sparingly, this device is your greatest route to turning your girlfriend's scowl into a smile, if it's said with conviction. She could be going on about one of your idiosyncrasies or something you have said and all you have to do is stop her, say "I'm sorry" followed by a promise to change, and everything will be all right, at least for the time being. This phrase should be familiar, as it is the same one used when your mother scolded you as a child. As such, this lie has stood the test of time and remains the weapon of choice for many stricken males.





OOPS !!!

OH…don’t laugh ladies…ya’ll ain’t exactly settin’ new standards when it comes to bein’ honest about shit !!





For instance…


“Top 10 Lies” ( From Females )





10) "I wouldn't change a thing about you."
Do you really believe that she wouldn't change anything about you? I mean I'm sure you'd change plenty about her but wouldn't dare tell her. There are probably many things about you that she'd like to change, unless you're still in that first flush of romance - and in that case it's only because she hasn't decided what she'd change yet.

9) "I love hanging out with your friends."
She might like your friends but she won't want them around her all the time. This is the kind of lie you get early on in a relationship but it doesn't mean you'll get away with a four hour poker session round your place every Saturday night.

8) "I don't mind picking up after you."
Once again, this is a lie your girlfriend might tell you at the beginning of your relationship. She'll say that she really doesn't mind picking up the dirty dishes you leave lying around and that she just loves doing the laundry. I hate to break it to you, but this isn't going to last either. Soon enough, she'll be telling you to wash your smelly socks yourself and that it's your turn to do the dishes.

7) "I love your family."
A tricky one because on occasion this may be the truth. However, if she secretly despises them, she probably won't tell you in order to spare your feelings. If you really want to know the truth, observe her reactions when they're around. If all the muscles in her face tighten up before she forces a fake smile and mutters an unenthusiastic "Great!", she definitely isn't crazy about them.

6) "I love sports."
Ah, another first date classic as she searches for a common interest. But unless you're lucky enough to have found one of the rare true female sports fans out there, within a few weeks, she'll probably be complaining every time you sit down to watch a game. This lie really sucks because it feeds false hopes in the minds of unsuspecting men.






5) "I won't get mad if you say I look fat."
Not so much a lie as a trap. No matter what you say, she will get angry. If you try to tell her that she looks great, she'll accuse you of lying to make her feel better, on the other hand, if you tell her that she has, in fact, put on a couple of pounds, you're likely to set off a war in your living room.

4) "You're right."
Normally rears its ugly head at the argument which ends with her telling you that you were right. Don't believe her? Even if she realizes she's wrong, chances are slim to none that she'll actually admit it. The fact is that many women will tell you that you're right to shut you up, but what they're really thinking is: "He'll find out soon enough that I'm right." Then she'll proceed to find some devious way to prove their point to you.

3) "It doesn't bother me when you check out other women."
It's quite simple: She wants to feel like you only have eyes for her but will lie because she doesn't want it to look that way. She wants to appear to be open-minded but is actually upset when you check out the hot blonde in the supermarket.

2) "I don't care how much money you have."
It has been proven that women want a guy who is financially stable and independent. They aren't all looking for a sugar daddy; they just want to know that their man is capable of taking care of a potential future family. Of course, your girlfriend probably won't tell you this so as not to scare you off with discussions about family and the future.

1) "Don't worry honey, it happens to everyone."
This lie is only one of the dozens of sex-related lies that women tell to spare their partner's feelings, including the classics "size doesn't matter" and "you're the best I've ever had." Most men will have temporary erectile difficulties at some point in their lives and most women are aware of this fact. However, that doesn't mean that it doesn't bother your girlfriend when you're getting hot and heavy and suddenly there's nothing happening down there.





SO…now that I’ve stirred tha’ proverbial pot a lil’ bit, let’s see what YOU have to say…or add…or dispute…or whatever…





Nonetheless, it’s now YOUR turn…

Class Dismissed !!
Sugar Ray D.


ALL RIGHTS RESERVED © 1998-2009 "I Got JOKES"...Dr. Sugar Ray/Sugar Ray D.