To start us off, I'm gonna' put somethin' up here that needs to be a REGULAR REMINDER of sorts....keep readin' and you'll understand why !! As I watched tha’ BET Awards last night, I feel that it’s my duty to my people to speak on this..
I'M gonna' do a "public service" that is so long overdue and trust me, I WILL be addressin' this on a REGULAR BASIS DAMMIT !! It’s a BIG problem in tha’ black community !! Some people even call it an epidemic….tha' NECESSITY of lotion....not tha' 'desire', tha' 'thought' or even tha' "Ooops, I forgot" part of it..!!
The words "necessary" and "lotion" go TOGETHER....ESPECIALLY for us 'black folks', otherwise, it's an "Ash Offense” !!
I understand that sometimes, you're in a rush in the mornin', tryin' to eat and get dressed after that hot shower....but unless you wanna' be compared to "Buck Wheat" and have folks thinkin' stuff like, "Dayummmmmmmm....they came straight outta’ tha' Color Purple..", you'd better make time to put some lotion on, with yo' black ass.. { I know, I know....it ain't just for us black folks, but since I'M black, I can't speak for tha' non-black folks dammit !! }
Too many folks are walkin' ‘round "ashy", lookin' like they just climbed outta' hell's ashes and shook off, then kept goin', dust and sh-t flyin' off everywhere....lookin' like "Pig Pin" from Charlie Brown, with or without all the flies !!
Ya’ may be askin' yourself, "Yo Sug....exactly WHERE are these 'offenses of ash' takin' place ??"
Good question..
The "Ash Offense" is happenin' everywhere as we speak....er, type....right now..
*around ya’, if you're in a class or at work !!
*in the privacy of their own homes AND in public !!
No matter where ya’ look, I can personally guarantee that you’ll see at least one severe case of "ashy ass" !!
Tha' sh-t is bad enough that if a big gust of wind were to suddenly whip through, people would be lost in a cloud of their own ash….they'd look like human-sized puffs of smoke movin' around, tryin' to get from one point to anotha'..!!
Now lemme' go ahead and discuss the use of the word "ashy" versus the actuality of havin' "dry skin"..
- If you can see pockets of dried white substances on ya’ skin and you didn't put ‘em there, yo' ass might be ashy !!
- If you can lick your finger, wipe a spot on ya’ face and have it change color from lighter to darker, yo' ass might be ashy !!
- If you can take a wet washcloth, wipe the skin on any part of your body and have it look like you just made a clean spot, yo' ass might be ashy !!
- If you can clap ya' hands and create a dust cloud, yo' ass might be ashy !!
- If any part of your nickname contains the words "ashy" in it, then you've been "found out"....AND yo' ass is ashy !!
- If you approach someone of the opposite sex and they have a look of horror on their face, yo' ass is probably ashy !! Either that or you have a booga' hangin' outta’ ya' nose....or you're just plain muh’f-ckin’ ugly !!
- If you have just finished washin' the dishes or did anything where any part of your body was in some water and you’re now in an air-conditioned room, ain't no way around it....yo' ass is ashy !!
- If you’ve been outside for any length of time sweatin', then come inside and tha' air in tha' house is air-conditioned, better do a body-check cause' at least some part of yo' ass is gonna’ be ashy !!
- If you just ran out of lotion or you’re ‘bout to run out of lotion, better get to tha' store cause' ya' know yo' ass is gonna’ to be ashy or yo' ass is already ashy !!
:::: gigglin’ ::::
Now havin' "dry skin" is different….yes it may have "ashy" characteristics....I'm not denyin' that at all….but let's face it folks, "dry skin" actually HURTS !! Lotion ain't gonna' help once you've reached the "dry skin" level..
They have special cream for that sh-t and it's not cheap, so catch it in the beginning levels....slick it up when it's only "ashy"....get some lotion on that ass !!
Don't end up like Sean Combs....Puff Daddy....P. Diddy.. { That fool was all ova’ tha’ BET Awards like he was tweekin’ on some speed pills or somethin’.. } The "daddy" of "puffy-ashy" went and "diddy" it with Pro-Active…."I use Pro-Activ to moisturize my situation and preserve my sexy.."
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit Negro.....yo' ass let the ashy 'situation' become a chapped ashy mess !!
Either THAT or Ol' J-Lo { or Kim } left some tread marks deep enough on that ass to where even cocoa butter couldn't smooth that sh-t out.. { and ya’ll KNOW how us black folks LOVE our cocoa butter }
Is that why you're always tryin' to dance around in everybody's videos....to work up a sweat so that you don't look chapped and ashy, Mister Color Purple ??
"..you SHO’ is uggggly..”
And for tha' love of everything holy, listen to Ice Cube and Chris Tucker from the movie "FRIDAY" tha’ next time ya’ wanna’ get in front of tha’ camera without those sunglasses dawg…."DAMMMMNNNNNNNNN !!....put yo' glasses back on.." !!
..damn mongoose-lookin' cabbage-patch muh’f-cka !!
:::: Don’t get excited Corey….YOU look like a mongoose too, but I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout YO’ bitch ass…THIS time !! ::::
I thought I was watchin' a collaboration of "Rikki Tikki Tavi" and "Lord of the Rings"
- "Ticky Tacky Diddy" in "Lord of the Bling" !!
Hey "rap star"....stick to producin' records, ya' non-lyrical negro-spiritual !! Everyone else....get some lotion on those ashy asses already !!
Where's my cocoa butter at ??!!
Oh here's some more things to getcha' gigglin' as I push ya' up over tha' hump today !!
Fellas....I'm usin' my foot to push yo' asses !!
Ladies....I'm INNOCENTLY usin' my big, strong hands....* wink, wink * { I hope ya' asses ain't funky or ashy dammit !! }
DOH !!
Need more ??
Dr. Sugar Ray Presents: “Best Divorce Letter EVER !!”
Dear wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together !! Have a great life !!
OF COURSE, she replied:
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl !” Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free !!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
ROFLMAO !!! Okay....okay....one more fo' ya' !!
This one is actually PERFECT for tha' moment....this one RIGHT HERE !!
Dr. Sugar Ray Presents: “MY NEXT LIFE”
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
** Bow chicka WOW-WOW **
Ya'll "wascally wabbits"....if ya' ain't over tha' proverbial "hump" yet, hop to it and go do tha' damn thang !!
Class Dismissed !!
Sugar Ray D.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED © 1998-2008 "I Got JOKES" Commentaries by Dr. Sugar Ray/Sugar Ray D.
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