Back To Tha' "Old School"...

OHHHH what a weekend !!

As of today, EVERYONE should have a WHOLE LOT to appreciate !! I know that I do !! What can I say...LIFE IS GOOD !!

Despite bein' able to find tha' "silver lining" on jus' about ANY cloud, I'm gonna' speak on somethin' that have me a bit VEXED to say tha' very LEAST !! As only Dr. Sugar Ray can, I'm gonna' apply some common sense and sarcasm in an effort to "medicate" several contagious "illnesses" that had me a lil' bit worried from over tha' weekend:

* BAD ASS KIDS and tha' parents who either don't WANNA' discipline 'em or didn't know HOW to discipline 'em !!

* FEMALES WITH NO SELF-ESTEEM who think that if they are as skinny as a f-ckin' pole, somethin' must be WRONG with 'em !!

ENOUGH IS E-F-CKIN'-NUFF ALREADY !!

Allow Dr. Sugar Ray to come out and put my "medicine" out there like it NEEDS to be put out there cause' apparently, there are SOME elements of our society that either got it TWISTED or jus' ain't got it AT ALL !!

I'm sendin' this one out with my infamous "K.I.S.S." method...as in "Keep It Simple Suga'.."
* MUUUAAAAHHHH !! *

I was raised up "old school"....and lookin' at tha' results of MY upbringin' versus tha' "new school" bullsh-t that these "so-called parents" are stressin' themselves to death about, I'll stick to my "old school" !!! But to be fair, I'll present and weigh-out BOTH..

Are ya' ready ?? Get ya' notebooks out dammit !! I'm droppin' some "Sugar Rayisms" fo' dat ass today !!

* DISCIPLINE !! *

Old School: If you acted up in public, that was yo' ass !! You got beat right there, beat on the way home and beat when you got home...then got grounded !!

A "time out" ??? SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT !!

Hell, the only "time out" that you got in the 'old school' is getting 'time out' to think ‘bout that ass-whoopin' comin' your way or if you were in a two-parent household, THOSE ass-whoopins comin' your way…one from Mom right then and there, plus the one from Dad once he got home from work, already pissed-off from Mom's phone call to him about you while he was on his lunch break !!
New School: If you act up THESE days, yeah Mom might beat yo' ass ( if you're in WALMART !! ) but then someone steps in with a threat to call Child Protective Services, prompting mom to take your bad ass home and put you in time-out...

..in tha’ meantime, tha’ "time-out" serves as tha’ perfect opportunity for Lil' Jimmy to call tha’ cops because he's finally learned how to get out of trouble: just say "my mommy hit me" and he gets to go on a field-trip to anotha' house with anotha' family, only to regret his actions when he's older, realizin' that his impetuous and rash emotional behavior was enabled by a system of over-protective, hyper-sensitive people who are tryin' to compensate for somethin' that was f-cked-up in their own lives at some point, with a lil' dose of someone "real" to throw a monkey-wrench in tha' whole thought process..

Yeah...you're probably readin' this and are just as confused as Lil' Jimmy was...

I say just take it back to the "old school”...LOL !!

* FEMALE SELF ESTEEM !! *

Old School: Plastic surgery was totally a "NO, NO" !! Being "au naturale" was the pinnacle of beauty ( it still is !! )!! A woman with curves was dangerous alluring, dangerously sexy and OH MY GOD, so much FUN !! ( ..did I just say that out loud ?? ) Men appreciated and truly loved the complete beauty of a good woman, from the inside out, exactly as she was !!

New School: If you DON’T get plastic surgery to alter something, it's like, "What tha' f-ck is wrong with you ?"

Breast implants, ass implants, chin scrapes, tummy tucks, liposuction, BOTOX, surgical hair implantation, cheek lifts.....what's next folks ?? I mean damn...ya’ gotta' have a file cabinet just to keep up with the warranties of all these "alterations", just in case somethin' goes awry..

If you ask me, it's just not worth it…

GO BACK TO THA' OLD SCHOOL DAMMIT !!!

I like women that I can associate with the Blue Ridge Parkway:
- Breath-takin' when you get a good, complete look at ‘em...
- Having natural "take-your-time" curves, hills and mountains to climb and enjoy...
- Can have me worked-out and totally relaxed after a nice long ride...
- Somethin' that I want to experience repeatedly and on a continually regular basis...
- Makes a brotha' wanna' take a lotta’ pictures…to reminisce over...* wink *

Oh THAT sh-t I DID say out loud !! And now that you're awake, I'm gonna' shift into "cruise control" and handle tha' rest of my day !! I hope that all of you are able to get this week off with a positive * POP * to it !!

As for me, I'm just gonna' focus on handlin' tha' rest of this week like I handle my life..
..with a K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple Suga'... * wink *

Class Dismissed !!
Sugar Ray D.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED © 1998-2008 "I Got JOKES" Commentaries by Dr. Sugar Ray/Sugar Ray D.

Ashy Is A No, No...

To start us off, I'm gonna' put somethin' up here that needs to be a REGULAR REMINDER of sorts....keep readin' and you'll understand why !! As I watched tha’ BET Awards last night, I feel that it’s my duty to my people to speak on this..

I'M gonna' do a "public service" that is so long overdue and trust me, I WILL be addressin' this on a REGULAR BASIS DAMMIT !! It’s a BIG problem in tha’ black community !! Some people even call it an epidemic….tha' NECESSITY of lotion....not tha' 'desire', tha' 'thought' or even tha' "Ooops, I forgot" part of it..!!

The words "necessary" and "lotion" go TOGETHER....ESPECIALLY for us 'black folks', otherwise, it's an "Ash Offense” !!

I understand that sometimes, you're in a rush in the mornin', tryin' to eat and get dressed after that hot shower....but unless you wanna' be compared to "Buck Wheat" and have folks thinkin' stuff like, "Dayummmmmmmm....they came straight outta’ tha' Color Purple..", you'd better make time to put some lotion on, with yo' black ass.. { I know, I know....it ain't just for us black folks, but since I'M black, I can't speak for tha' non-black folks dammit !! }

Too many folks are walkin' ‘round "ashy", lookin' like they just climbed outta' hell's ashes and shook off, then kept goin', dust and sh-t flyin' off everywhere....lookin' like "Pig Pin" from Charlie Brown, with or without all the flies !!

Ya’ may be askin' yourself, "Yo Sug....exactly WHERE are these 'offenses of ash' takin' place ??"

Good question..

The "Ash Offense" is happenin' everywhere as we speak....er, type....right now..
*around ya’, if you're in a class or at work !!
*in the privacy of their own homes AND in public !!

No matter where ya’ look, I can personally guarantee that you’ll see at least one severe case of "ashy ass" !!

Tha' sh-t is bad enough that if a big gust of wind were to suddenly whip through, people would be lost in a cloud of their own ash….they'd look like human-sized puffs of smoke movin' around, tryin' to get from one point to anotha'..!!

Now lemme' go ahead and discuss the use of the word "ashy" versus the actuality of havin' "dry skin"..

- If you can see pockets of dried white substances on ya’ skin and you didn't put ‘em there, yo' ass might be ashy !!

- If you can lick your finger, wipe a spot on ya’ face and have it change color from lighter to darker, yo' ass might be ashy !!

- If you can take a wet washcloth, wipe the skin on any part of your body and have it look like you just made a clean spot, yo' ass might be ashy !!

- If you can clap ya' hands and create a dust cloud, yo' ass might be ashy !!

- If any part of your nickname contains the words "ashy" in it, then you've been "found out"....AND yo' ass is ashy !!

- If you approach someone of the opposite sex and they have a look of horror on their face, yo' ass is probably ashy !! Either that or you have a booga' hangin' outta’ ya' nose....or you're just plain muh’f-ckin’ ugly !!

- If you have just finished washin' the dishes or did anything where any part of your body was in some water and you’re now in an air-conditioned room, ain't no way around it....yo' ass is ashy !!

- If you’ve been outside for any length of time sweatin', then come inside and tha' air in tha' house is air-conditioned, better do a body-check cause' at least some part of yo' ass is gonna’ be ashy !!

- If you just ran out of lotion or you’re ‘bout to run out of lotion, better get to tha' store cause' ya' know yo' ass is gonna’ to be ashy or yo' ass is already ashy !!

:::: gigglin’ ::::

Now havin' "dry skin" is different….yes it may have "ashy" characteristics....I'm not denyin' that at all….but let's face it folks, "dry skin" actually HURTS !! Lotion ain't gonna' help once you've reached the "dry skin" level..

They have special cream for that sh-t and it's not cheap, so catch it in the beginning levels....slick it up when it's only "ashy"....get some lotion on that ass !!

Don't end up like Sean Combs....Puff Daddy....P. Diddy.. { That fool was all ova’ tha’ BET Awards like he was tweekin’ on some speed pills or somethin’.. } The "daddy" of "puffy-ashy" went and "diddy" it with Pro-Active…."I use Pro-Activ to moisturize my situation and preserve my sexy.."

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit Negro.....yo' ass let the ashy 'situation' become a chapped ashy mess !!

Either THAT or Ol' J-Lo { or Kim } left some tread marks deep enough on that ass to where even cocoa butter couldn't smooth that sh-t out.. { and ya’ll KNOW how us black folks LOVE our cocoa butter }

Is that why you're always tryin' to dance around in everybody's videos....to work up a sweat so that you don't look chapped and ashy, Mister Color Purple ??
"..you SHO’ is uggggly..”

And for tha' love of everything holy, listen to Ice Cube and Chris Tucker from the movie "FRIDAY" tha’ next time ya’ wanna’ get in front of tha’ camera without those sunglasses dawg…."DAMMMMNNNNNNNNN !!....put yo' glasses back on.." !!

..damn mongoose-lookin' cabbage-patch muh’f-cka !!

:::: Don’t get excited Corey….YOU look like a mongoose too, but I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout YO’ bitch ass…THIS time !! ::::

I thought I was watchin' a collaboration of "Rikki Tikki Tavi" and "Lord of the Rings"
- "Ticky Tacky Diddy" in "Lord of the Bling" !!

Hey "rap star"....stick to producin' records, ya' non-lyrical negro-spiritual !! Everyone else....get some lotion on those ashy asses already !!

Where's my cocoa butter at ??!!

Oh here's some more things to getcha' gigglin' as I push ya' up over tha' hump today !!

Fellas....I'm usin' my foot to push yo' asses !!
Ladies....I'm INNOCENTLY usin' my big, strong hands....* wink, wink * { I hope ya' asses ain't funky or ashy dammit !! }

DOH !!

Need more ??

Dr. Sugar Ray Presents: “Best Divorce Letter EVER !!”

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.

You ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together !! Have a great life !!

OF COURSE, she replied:

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl !” Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free !!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

ROFLMAO !!! Okay....okay....one more fo' ya' !!

This one is actually PERFECT for tha' moment....this one RIGHT HERE !!

Dr. Sugar Ray Presents: “MY NEXT LIFE”

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

** Bow chicka WOW-WOW **

Ya'll "wascally wabbits"....if ya' ain't over tha' proverbial "hump" yet, hop to it and go do tha' damn thang !!

Class Dismissed !!
Sugar Ray D.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED © 1998-2008 "I Got JOKES" Commentaries by Dr. Sugar Ray/Sugar Ray D.

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Sug Vs Wolf Spider & Bald-Faced Hornet !!

Tha’ Internet Is MY Stage !!

~ Love ALL….Trust NONE ~

“Don’t take it PERSONAL…it’s just COM-M-M-M-MEDY….from ASS-LEVEL !!”

I know that a lotta’ folks readin’ this will start to cringe at tha’ mention of this one word that I’m gonna’ use as today’s topic: SPIDERS !!

UNLIKE a lotta’ folks, I happen to LIKE spiders !! I’ve kept ‘em as pets, raised and sold ‘em, caught ‘em, studied ‘em….I have a complete understanding of and a healthy respect for my eight-legged comrades on this planet !! But even I can’t explain what happened recently, which is what you’re about to “experience” as ya’ read about it..

While I will readily deal with any spider, anybody who knows me will tell you that I will do ANYTHING to avoid bees !! Hell, I’ll tell ya’ so….and if push came to shove, I’d run over my own mother to get away from a dayummm bee !! But I handle Black Widow spiders with my bare hands….go figure..

I deal with spiders that eat MICE and weigh as much as TWO POUNDS, but a bee will send my black ass into an automatic spasm of chaotic energy, with anything and anyone around me subsequently in danger of bein’ physically harmed….BY ME !! I mean it folks….if a bee is around me, you’d better NOT be !! Tha’ reason why I’m tellin’ you this is ‘cause of what happened to inspire me to write this particular commentary..

Tha’ other night, we got hit with some strong-ass thunderstorms, which practically drowned tha’ entire city and knocked our electricity out for a while, lightnin’ like nobody’s business !! I have aquariums all over my house, so with me bein’ a “rollin’ lightnin’ rod” of sorts, I wasn’t feelin’ too safe ‘bout carryin’ on as normal durin’ these electric temper-tantrums ‘cause I’m old school !! We were taught as children to not take unnecessary chances, ESPECIALLY durin’ storms…so I quietly waited tha’ storms out with a Jeffery Deaver book { “The Blue Nowhere” } !!

Needless to say, when tha’ last storm moved through, it was close to 3:00 a.m. and I was finally relaxin’….One final check through my house and bedtime !! Piece of cake..

So I get to my front door and open it to see what my front porch looked like….there were tree branches down in my front yard, my porch chairs had been blown over, a bird’s nest had been..

What tha’….what is this movin’ towards…oh HOLYYYY SH-T !! LEGS….BIG, THICK, LONNNNG LEGS !!

It startled me at first ya’ll….a spider !! But not ANY kinda’ spider….it was a thick-bodied spider, not in a web…which told me that it was some kinda’ Wolf Spider, a North American cousin of tha’ tarantula !! It was walkin’ like it OWNED my front porch, havin’ NO FEAR of ME, which ALSO told me that it was a Wolf Spider….they have no fear of humans !! It was roughly tha’ size of a CD, with a fat backside, which CONFIRMED that it was a Wolf Spider !! Tha’ only thing that didn’t follow suit about this Wolf Spider was tha’ color, which I didn’t see ‘til it was in my house, in tha’ light..

OH YEAH….that muh’f-cka walked right up in my house like it had an invitation !! And once it was IN my house, I was scramblin’ around lookin’ for somethin’ to put it in !! I was bound and determined to catch this mammoth of a spider, WITHOUT bein’ bitten in tha’ process !! I’m a SAFE “spider catcher” dammit..

Okay, I lied….catchin’ spiders is in itself DANGEROUS, so I’ll just say that I’m a CAUTIOUS “spider catcher” !! Of course if I was all THAT cautious, I would’ve closed my front door while I was tryin’ to scoop this muh’f-cka up in a jar..

:::: smacks forehead ::::

Lemme’ just say that I have hard-wood floors throughout most of my house and this spider was so big that it made noise as it ran across ‘em !! I could hear lil’ “clickety-clack” sounds from tha’ lil’ hooks on it’s feet !! It moved towards me and I leaned down to catch it, a net in one hand and a small bucket in tha’ other !! Just as I got close enough to it with tha’ net to “direct” it towards tha’ bucket, I guess that it realized what I was tryin’ to do and it took off runnin’, shovin’ tha’ net and my hand outta’ tha’ way in tha’ process !!

Now THAT’S a big-ass spider !!

Ya’ll, it completely MOVED tha’ net outta’ tha’ way with it’s legs as it ran by !! In fact, it wasn’t even runnin’ fast….it was more like a fast walk or a routine jog, movin’ sh-t like it was nothin’ and continuin’ at a deliberate pace, almost darin’ me to try it again….with a “clickety-clack” pimp walk !! And it was headed back towards tha’ front door….my OPEN front door..

It seemed that as I was completely focused on catchin’ this eight-legged mutant, I was totally oblivious to tha’ OTHER “visitor” that had been displaced by these thunderstorms..

I saw it right as it saw me….a huge black body with a white face and an obviously bad attitude..

A HORNET !!

I went from focused to frightened in .06 seconds and probably lost all pigmentation in my skin as I was strugglin’ to take a breath !! This thing must’ve sensed that ‘cause it was perched on my door frame ‘til tha’ point where we made “eye contact”..

Well my TWO eyes to it’s two HUNDRED lil’ eyes !!

It flew towards me and I freaked tha’ f-ck out !! Not only did I almost hit tha’ floor, but I knocked over a few of my Siamese Fighting Fish tanks…knocked two candles to tha’ floor, shatterin’ ‘em in tha’ process…ran over glass and punctured a tire on my wheelchair that’s almost flat now…hit myself in tha’ head with tha’ bucket I had in my hand as I swung at this monstrous flyin’ insect…broke tha’ blinds in one of my windows with tha’ same net I was tryin’ to catch tha’ spider with moments earlier…caused such a commotion, with my front door STILL open mind you, that tha’ next door neighbor’s Jack Russell Terrier came to investigate and started barkin’ after seein’ me in hand-to-hand combat with this hornet { well, hand-to-stinger combat } and hearin’ me yellin’ in a foreign language that even I didn’t know I knew !!

Needless to say that when tha’ dog started barkin’, it apparently upset tha’ spider, which was also at tha’ front door and none too happy !! I looked over just in time to see tha’ spider raise it’s legs in a defensive posture to tha’ dog, right before tha’ dog sniffed at it and got lit-up !! That Wolf Spider bit tha’ dog and held on !!

Tha’ poor dog shook it’s head all around tryin’ to get tha’ spider to let go, but it wasn’t havin’ it !! Then tha’ dog started yelpin’…LOUDLY !! I didn’t want my neighbors to wake up and think that I was hurtin’ their dog, so I moved back towards tha’ front door, thinkin’ that I was gonna’ help tha’ situation, only to hear “Bzzzzzzzzz !!” right next to my ear !!

Again, my black ass panicked and ducked down and leaned in tha’ opposite direction, fearin’ that this hornet was tryin’ to land on my ear and sting me !! I had to get outta’ tha’ way quickly ‘cause not only do bee stings from large bees HURT like a muh’f-cka, but I’m allergic to ‘em !! At tha’ same time as my “evasive lean”, I suddenly felt this cold pain and saw stars..

I’d leaned right into tha’ edge of my open front door !!

Tha’ COLD pain was now throbbin’ and hot….and hurtin’….and I was a lil’ bit dizzy, no longer worryin’ ‘bout tha’ yelpin’ dog, tha’ escapin’ spider or tha’ pissed-off bald-faced hornet !! I was now tryin’ to keep from fallin’ to tha’ ground..

OHHHHH my headdddd..

As I started to regain focus, I saw and heard tha’ spider runnin’ off my front porch !! From what I could tell, it let go of tha’ dog’s nose and decided to get tha’ f-ck outta’ dodge !!

Tha’ normally nosey Jack Russell Terrier was now tha’ “runnin’ like a scared prostitute bein’ chased by tha’ cops” Jack Russell Terrier !!

And tha’ Bald-Faced Hornet { I looked it up and that’s what they’re called for some reason !! They all look alike to me ‘cause they all have STINGERS !! } was nowhere to be found !! THAT had me worried, achin’ head or no achin’ head !!

I checked my immediate personal area…..no hornet !!

I checked my circumference….no hornet !!

I checked my perimeter….no hornet !!

Hmmmmmmm…I was NOT gonna’ just assume that it flew out tha’ door while I was inflictin’ damage to myself !! I absolutely refused to..

“BZZ..BZZZZZZ…BZZZZZZZZ !!”

Without even breathin’ and my EYES WIDE OPEN, I looked towards where tha’ sound was comin’ from….my front porch !!

* PERK *

It’s already OUTSIDE !! QUICK, CLOSE THA’ DOOR….CLOSE THA’ DOOR….DUMB ASS, CLOSE THA’ MUH’F-CKIN’ DOOR….NOW !!

Tha’ thought went through my mind a number of times and I couldn’t seem to move fast ENOUGH, but I finally managed to grab tha’ door and proceeded to put all my energy into one fluid motion of pushin’ it closed....a lil’ bit too much energy !!

I have 12 small windows on my front door….THEY rattled loose !!

I have mini-blinds on my front door too…

* correction *….I HAD mini-blinds on my front door !!

Tha’ door closed with a “SLAMMM !!!”….tha’ window panes shook loose…tha’ mini-blinds with flyin’ !!

:::: shakin’ my head ::::

I’m waitin’ on someone to come replace tha’ frames ‘round my 12 windows on my front door and for someone to replace and install new mini-blinds….costin’ me a “pretty penny” !!

F-ckin’ spiders !!

F-ckin’ HORNETS !!

F-cki’n THUNDERSTORMS !!

GRRRRRRRR !!

Anybody wanna’ join my dumb black ass for a drink ?? I need to numb this big-ass KNOT on my head..

:::: rolls eyes ::::

Quit laughin’ at meeeeee..

Class Dismissed…EARLY !!

Sugar Ray D.

Dear Ol' Malia

So tell me..

What happens when ya’ cross tha’ very definition of “sexually immaculate physicality” with tha’ very scary definition of “plum-f-ckin’ carrayyyzzeeee” ??!!

:::: theme from Jeopardy playin’ ::::

Give up yet ??

Tha’ answer is whatcha’ getting’ ready to read right now !! I’m probably gonna’ be runnin’ into a few more of these “stories” this weekend, so I’m settin’ it up by reminiscin’ and sharin’ with all of ya’ll !!

Fo’ tha’ new folks, this is gonna’ set tha’ tone fo’ ya’ ENTIRE YEAR !!
Fo’ tha’ folks who’ve heard/read this one already, you’re gonna’ flashback and piss ya’selves laughin’ yet again !!

Getcha’ ‘selves comfy so you can getcha’ laugh on !! I wantcha’ to share my birf’day wit’ me and let’s all have a “bomb-diggity” time !! I gotcha’..

"Dear Ol' Malia" - "I Got JOKES" Commentaries *CLASSIC*

So I think that I was officially frightened into an actual state of fear….I can laugh about it now....but DAYUMMMMMMMMMMMM !! When tha’ sh-t happened, I had an actual 'chill' go through me and yes, my black ass was scared....or should I say "skurrrred" !! { ..just for a second though.. }

ANYWAY, here's the scenario..

Out with friends and such....playin' pool....drinkin' beers....socializin'....Ya’ know, just havin' a good time….pretty soon we had a whole crowd of females around us, laughin', jokin', introducin' themselves.. "Hi....I'm so-n-so.." and "Hey..aren't you that guy that's been on tv..?"

Yeah yeah, I'm on tv sometimes….big deal..
..local news people are friends of mine and they like to do "update" stories on my life from tha’ time of that accident that killed all but one ( me ) ‘til now, with me bein' a savy businessman and risin' comedian..

:::: tootin' my own horn ::::

Plus it doesn't hurt that my name is just too hard to forget...."Sugar Ray" !!

ANYWHOOOOO..

This one young lady was a bit persistent with gettin' my attention....a bit too persistent for my likin' !! I mean damn....I didn't know this female and she could've been a walkin' sperm bank for all I know..

Was she attractive ??

Physically....good GAWWWWDDD ALMIGHTY !!! Honey-brown skin....hazel eyes....curly dark-brown hair to tha’ middle of her back...luscious kissable lips with a smile that rocked those deep dimples like a bass drum !!

And as far as "dangerous curves" go.. { bitin' my fist ! } ..let's just say that a twin-turbo All Terrain Vehicle still couldn't get through that "obstacle course" without "stoppin'" to "admire tha’ scenery" a NUMBER of times !!!

Get what I'm sayin' ??!! "Baby Bumpers" was physically immaculate...which was tha' first red flag !! Some you guys readin' this are probably totally confused by what I just said, so allow me to explain..

Have ya' ever heard the sayin', "Everything that glitters ain't always gold" ?? Yeah well this girl was "glitterin’" just a bit too much to have any actual "gold" for ol' Sugar Ray..

Somethin' wasn't right ‘cause she was too damn F-Y-N-E, yet she was stayin’ away from tha’ rest of tha’ young ladies she was there with !! There weren't too many guys there and even they weren’t talkin' to her....yet she seemed to have a bullseye on me for some reason..

Must've been my "wheelie potential" !! * wink *

Now normally, I would've seen this scenario developin’ and like most guys, would've been like, "Hmmmm....what have we herrrrre..", but tha’ dynamics around her impendin’ approach were makin' me a lil' bit nervous....uncomfortably nervous !!

Were tha’ guys not talkin' to her cause' she was too beautiful, too sexy and had them intimidated or somethin' ?? Did she stay away from her girls ‘cause she just didn't wanna’ engage in any desperate acts of attention-gettin', like they were doin' ??

Does she think that she's better than them ??
..too good for those guys ??
..better than this place ??
And if so, why is she lookin' over here tryin' to get a reaction outta' ME ??

NORMALLY, my instincts would've had me makin' sure that she saw me look at her....I would’ve smiled a few times while I was talkin' with my homeboys, then glance at her and wink, eventually lurin' her to me and startin' a conversation !!

But this was different..

There was a very disturbing vibe comin' from her and I couldn't figure out exactly what it was, so I just chilled and acted like I didn't see her..

..that is til’ she started makin' SURE that I saw her….walkin' directly in front of me, eyes locked on me and almost trippin' as she "strutted" by….laughin' loud enough to be heard by me..

I could feel her lookin' at me to see if I'd acknowledge her, but I didn't and wouldn’t !! I'd move out of her sight with my "wingman" and sure enough, she'd act like she had to do somethin' nearby just to see where we were..

Tone laughed his ass off and was like, "Suga' man....there's no way that you are gonna' let THAT get away mannnn....I KNOW you ain't gonna' pass up somethin' like her !!"

..and that's when I clued him into tha’ "bad vibe" I was gettin' from her..

Tone, YOU are a crazy ass brotha' !! What was it you said ?? "Suga', you ain't gonna' have sex with her "vibe" Dawg....look at that mannnnn !!"

ROFLMAO !!

I continued to act like I didn't notice her, even though I was about to start droolin' at tha’ thought of her bein' near me..
..physical perfection..
..poetry in motion..
..an exotic orchid in full bloom !!

Suddenly, I feel these cold fingers rubbin’ on my head and this voice speaks up behind me: "Ooooh, I just looove your bald head bayy-beee....so nice and smoooth.."

By tha’ looks on tha’ faces of all my fellas, I knew who it was and she'd apparently gotten fed up with bein' ignored..

Before I could do or say anything, she had already slinked around and put her ass in my lap, now rubbin' the back of my head..

** OHHHH SH-T !! **

"Hi Sugar Ray, I'm Malia....don't keep actin' like you don't see me and thatcha’ don't like me..that'll hurt my feelings and I won't like that.."

* PERK !! *

OH she won't LIKE that huh ??? UH OH....RED FLAG....REDDD FLAG !!!

To make a long story short, throughout tha’ night we all drank and played pool….she kept tryin' to get close and kiss me, but I wouldn't do it...she even acted like she was gonna' cry at one point and I just laughed as I chalked it up to tha’ alcohol in her talkin’ out loud { when it was apparently those voices in her head actin’ up again.. }

OHHHH BOY was I wrong..

- 2:00 a. m....it's time to roll outta' there and bounce..

So we're all sayin' our "good-byes" and givin' hugs and all tha’ girls had given me their email addresses cause' they wanted to started gettin' these "I Got JOKES" Commentaries from me....plus I'm just too damn cute for my own good !! * wink *

ANYWAY, me and tha’ fellas are headin' to our cars … here comes Malia runnin' ( and bouncin') to our car yellin' "Hold onnn...I'm comin’...don't leave me !!"

* PERK *

What tha' f-ck ??!! Don't "leave" her ??!!

So I'm like, "Malia, whatcha’ mean 'don't leave you' ? I'm goin' home hun...you need to roll with yo' girls tonight sweetie.."

Here's where sh-t starts to get a lil' dicey..

"..but I thought I was goin' with youuu ? I thought we'd connected and we were gonna' share somethin' special...I thought that we were gonna' fall in love and have a family together...you made me laugh so easily...didn't you feel it too Baby ??"

Ummmmmmm, lemme' think abo....NO !!

At this point, tha’ only thing I was "feeling" was tha’ urge to turn and run like I was ‘bout to get beaten by my mom with a big-ass leather belt !!
..like a Mexican bein’ chased by tha’ Border Patrol !!
..like a black man bein’ chased by tha’ cops !! { oops }

All I could think to say was, "What are you TALKIN’ about Malia ?? We laughed, yeah....we all hung out together, yeah....you tried to kiss me and I said to save it for someone special, remember ?? I said that I like to take my time and get to know someone before I decide to explore....remember ??"

Malia is obviously an incredibly well-put-together, yet extremely delusional young lady ‘cause she said "Well you had to be talkin' about yourself when you said 'someone special'…I already know ‘cause we laughed and talked all night !! Why wait ‘til later when I feel our spiritual connection and I know you feel it too ?? We are meant for each other !! My name means "flower" and you're my "sweet sunshine" that I need to grow.."

YUP….she’s “cuckoo fo’ Cocoa Puffs” !!! F-ck this crazy lil’ pigeon !! I KNEW that I shouldn't have told her what "Sugar Ray" means....now I gotta' keep her friends from leavin' her crazy dumb ass with US in this damn parkin' lot !!

So I yell out to ‘em with a smile on my face, "Hey Monica..Crystal..ya'll need to come get your drunk-ass girl here...I think she may need a big glass of water before she goes to bed ( to help prevent major hangovers, for those who don't already know ) Ya' might wanna' make sure she's.."

She cut me off with this look of eternal death-fire in her eyes….laser beams even !!

"I'm NOT f-ckin' drunk and they AREN'T my f-ckin' friends !! They just hang with me to get my left-overs....here I am offerin' you tha’ best of tha’ best and you think that I’m drunk ?? That I don't know what I'm sayin' to you ?? I LOVE YOU and you treat me like THIS ??!!"

* skrrrrrrrrrrrttt !! I KNOW she didn’t just….oh HEYELLL NAWWWW !!

Of course, my response was swift..
"WHOA WHOA WHOOOOOAAAAAA !!!! What'd you just say to me….'Miss I Just Met You Tonight' ???"

Here's where tha’ faucet got turned on...big ol' crocodile tears and sobs and hugs...tha’ "I love you" wimpers and "why are you denyin' our love ?" babblin’ !!

At this point, I'm tryin' NOT to upset her anymore ‘cause I had no idea what tha’ f-ck she was capable of OR what she would do next..

I mean DAYUMMMMM !!! She'd talked about spiritual connections and spirit sh-t all night long, so I wasn't ‘bout to piss this female off, in case she was some kinda' witch or somethin'..

:::: foldin’ arms ::::

I saw “The Exorcist”, "Blair Witch Project", "American Haunting" AND "The Grudge" dammit !! I wasn't about to find out just how crazy this female was....for all I knew, she may have had a knife or ice-pick or gun in that big-ass jungle-gym pocket-book of hers and I was NOT gettin' my black ass shot at 2:00 in the mornin' in tha’ middle of some damn parkin' lot !!

Monica and Crystal, along with Shawna, Colene and Maria all come to our cars and try to urge Malia to go with ‘em, only they got cussed-out, swung at and threatened with a slow death by some kind of magic that Malia apparently claimed to study..

OOHHHH KAY….TOLD YA’ this ho-hoppin’ heffa’ was carrayyyyyyzzee !! YUP, it's time to get tha’ F-CK UP OUTTA' HERE !!

I'm lookin' around to make sure that there weren't any vampires, zombies, werewolves or demons comin' out to greet us, then I look up at tha’ sky to make sure that Malia's anger wasn't channelin’ some kind of negative energy in tha’ possible form of thunder clouds and lightning !!

In tha’ middle of this 'all-girl square-off', I signal to tha’ rest of tha’ fellas that we’re leavin' !! F-ck this bullsh-t goin' on here....she got there with ‘em so she can leave with ‘em....but WE were leavin' withOUT ‘em !!

"A’ight girls....be careful gettin' home and we'll holla' atcha' soon !! Malia, we'll talk lata' girl...just be cool and getcha’ fine ass home okay ??"

I had to say SOMETHIN’ to calm her down so she wouldn’t feel like she was bein’ dissed, to make it easier on herself, her friends and definitely US !!

JUST when I think everythin' is gonna' be alright and we start to roll out, I hear, "...but her damn car is right there !! She didn't..."

UGGGGHHHHHH....too much damn drama !! Thank GOD for not havin' to roll up windows anymore...just push a button..!!!

I didn't even look back as we left..

I was hungry....I was tired....and I was severely aggravated..

So we all went to my house....three cars full of hungry fellas ready to raid tha'..

* PERK *
Hello....what's this ??? Who's pullin' in my driveway in that white Escalade ??

Oh holyyyyy sh-t !! It was Malia and two more cars of females, tha’ ones we left in tha’ parkin' lot..

:::: sigh ::::

NOW what ??!!!

PART TWO - Tha' Roll-Out !!

So here we were….a beautiful, sexy, enticing young lady that gave me tha' creeps for a number reasons....who proved that she wasn't tha’ crispiest potato chip in tha' bag and that mental instability was just a "scratch" on her "surface" !! She'd pretty much attached herself to me tha’ entire night while we were out playin' pool !! She just about mauled her female friends when they were tryin' to keep her from squeezin’ herself into one of our cars when we were tryin' to leave !! She just met me that night, yet she had somehow called on tha’ 'spirits of tha’ future' and they told her ( wink, wink ) that she and I were gonna' have this glorious future together and she blurted out that she loved me..

:::: shiver of deep fear ::::

And now, she apparently followed us to my house, complete with two more cars of females ( from tha’ pool hall ) and I wasn't entirely sure WHY they all came with her....not ’til what transpired next !!

If there was EVER a case where tha’ sayin' "Don't judge a book by it's cover" came to mind, this was definitely it !! Malia was gorgeous....I mean tha’ kind of gorgeous that normally stops time, like in “The Matrix”....AND she was drivin' this brand new Cadillac Escalade, all white and shiny..

She seemed like a “dream come true”….but as SOON as she opened her mouth, tha’ 'dream' turned into tha’ f-ckin’ 'nightmare of ALL nightmares' !!

As I watched her pull into my driveway and her friends pullin' up on tha’ street, my mom's words kept ringin' in my head: "Everything that glitters ain't always gold.."

Suddenly, Malia throws open her door !! She has this look on her face like she was just completely pissed outta’ her mind....and it was with her eyes that I saw tha’ fury..

"Hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned"

Oh holy sh-t....here comes tha' BOOM !!!

All her girls were out of their cars and runnin' towards us, apparently to stop her from doin' somethin'….what happened next was like anotha’ scene from "The Matrix"..

..s-l-o-w-w-w….m-o-o-t-t-i-i-o-o-n-n..

{ Remember now..Escalades are pretty high off tha’ ground !! }

Malia's door flung open with a strong push....she was already yellin' somethin' at us ‘cause we were on my front porch gettin' ready to go in..

She swings her legs out like she's in some action movie, ready to jump into action….it's just too bad that her high heels didn't get that memo..

:::: gigglin’ ::::

All I saw was her body move like it was comin’ OUT of tha’ car....but her feet got stuck IN tha’ car ‘cause of those stiletto-heels..

It was like some kinda’ funky contortionist show or somethin'..

She "bungee-jumped" outta' the Escalade and did a "face-plant" in my driveway....my GRAVEL driveway !!

It all happened with one fluid motion..

She was in such a rush to get outta' her vehicle that she couldn't even brace herself or break tha’ fall with her hands..
..her FACE however caught tha’ full impact of tha’ ground !!

Tha’ only thing that came to mind was a Bugs Bunny cartoon....or maybe Tom & Jerry !! That sh-t sounded like a big slab of meat bein’ thrown on the table at a butcher shop..
A big ol' “Schhh-waPAPP” !!!

Now I know what you're thinkin': "Sug...why didn't you help her, go check on her, make sure she was okay ??"

OH we did....all of us did….as soon as she stopped bouncin' off tha' ground..we were over there !! Her ASS was in tha’ AIR and her FACE was on tha’ GROUND, but there was no blood and nothin' was broken.. { Nice thongs by the way Malia !! Black is definitely YOUR color !! }

Ol' girl was slam-passed tha' f-ck out ya'll !!

Her face hit tha’ ground and her drunk ass got knocked out cold..
..mini-skirt hiked-up ‘round her waist !!
..tube-top slid down on one side with major "boobage" exposed !!
..part of her damn weave had been partially pulled-out by tha’ gravel in my driveway !!

But perhaps tha’ most disturbing part of this was what she had in her hands....a rather wicked lookin' knife with un-opened condoms wrapped around the handle !!

We were all like, "What tha' f-ck was she gonna' do what that sh-t ?? Getcha’ hard n ready to f-ck, then slice n dice ??"

As I briefly thought of what could possibly be swimmin' in that "swamp gas" head of hers, I couldn't help but to feel this extremely cold feelin’ go through me as I began to think of that woman, Lorena Bobbitt..

..then in 2.5 seconds, I was like, "Get this piece of sh-t outta' my driveway and make sure she understands that I don't give her permission to even think about THINKIN’ about me !! Bringin' a damn knife over here..and condoms ??!! Oh HEYELLLL NAWWWW !! Is she sniffin' Prozac, Viagra and CRACK at tha’ same time ??!!"

Everybody was laughin'....but I was still a bit un-nerved....condoms and a knife, what a f-ckin’ combination !!

I'd already turned her down several times to her face....what was she gonna' do, hold a knife to my throat and make me let her f-ck me to death ??!! Was she just gonna' slice off my "jewels" and put ‘em in a trophy case or somethin' ??!!

UUUUGGGHHHHHHH....psycho bitches and me don't mix !!

I wanna' say "thank you" to tha’ young ladies that tried to keep things civil: Monica and Crystal, along with Shawna, Colene and Maria, Janelle, Sherry and Carson.. Ya’ll tried, but ya' girl got some “Looney Tunes” kinda’ issues ....on tha' strength !!

She ain't bi-polar....she's “why-polar”, as in "why" are all her personalities "out of order" ?? Those muh’f-ckas are like that Nintendo Wii commercial: "Weeee would like to PLAY !!"

Then again, I could make an argument for her bein' “try-polar”...as in “try” too hard to get attention, with her short-yellow-bus ridin' ass !!

Malia....you're readin' this too, I know and while I wouldn’t piss on ya’ if yo’ ass was dipped in gasoline, then set on fire, I’m not without a heart !! I got some advice fo' ya'..

If your behavior is extreme enough to have everyone around ya’ askin’ if you're allergic to alcohol, every single time thatcha’ drink, go ahead and stop drinkin' already !!

Girl, since ya’ said that you were raised up religious and all, pick up a Bible and read 1Corinthians - flip to Chapter 13 - That'll tell you exactly what "love" is, so ya’ won't throw IT around like ya’ throw your ASS around { like it’s a football in a meaningless game }

..then go to Chapter 15 - It's ‘bout what bad habits do to ya'..

HELL, just read tha' whole damn book of 1 Corinthians….2 Corinthians too !! Maybe it'll "smack" somethin' in ya’ head back into place, ‘cause Baby Girl:
While you are physically UNTOUCHABLE and nice to LOOK at, { maybe even nice to know in a "biblical" sense once or twice or 69 times } it’s VERY obvious that somewhere between your childhood and right now, a bunch of “fuses” either got blown out or leaked out.. ..either way, somethin' just ain't connectin' hun !!

They DO have medicine for sh-t like that....I think it's called LITHIUM !!

:::: rollin’ away backwards so as not to turn my back towards Malia ::::

Ya’ll damn Puerto Rican women…
I love ya’ll like a black man loves fried chicken, but ya’ll are some crazy-ass, sexy lil’ sh-ts !! You’re gonna’ be tha’ death of a carameliciously cute, dimpled brotha’ one of these days, I SWEAR !!

Enjoy tha’ rest of tha’ weekend ya’ll !! Holla’ at a “sugarliciously delicious breastoholic vulvamaniac” !!

OOOPS….did I just say that out loud ??!!

Class Dismissed !!
Sugar Ray D.