Saturday, May 28, 2011
NOT In The Bedroom, Ladies...
8 Things Guys Do NOT Want You To Do In Bed
Written by me and some random female…
Written by me and some random female…
A few years ago, she made a big bedroom faux pas. I was hooking up with this girl—a friend/professional acquaintance—in my bedroom, giving me a little oral pleasure. I, uh, came to fruition in her mouth and as she was not yet advanced in the art of swallowing, she sat up immediately and spat the spunk right back on me. Needless to say, we never hooked up again—not that I wanted to.
The lesson she learned: swallow or don’t swallow, but seriously, pick one and stick to it because we don’t want you spitting out our manly fluids on or anywhere around us. After the jump, she then polled some fellas I know about what else they don’t want a woman to do during sex.
1. Cry: With the exception being “crying out in ecstasy,” nearly every dude is turned off by shedding tears pre-, mid-, or post-coitus.
2. Make Animal Noises: Specifically, said one dude, “Making mouse noises.” I’m trying to figure out what sound a mouse makes out of its tiny mouse mouth, but I guess no meeping or mewing. Anyway, basically all animals noises are a no-no, except for maybe a sexy “meow.” Definitely not an oink or a neigh.
3. Close The Back Door: OK, so yes, most dudes would like to stick it in your butt. If you don’t want to do anal, by all means, DON’T. I tried it once and it made her cry, which, I’ll remind you, we don’t like (see #1). Anyway, no, I’m not talking about anal sex here. I’m talking about anal play. As one guy put it, “Don’t stop me from licking your butthole.” Listen, ladies, if he is headed there on his own, he knows what he’s in for, and by all means, you should let him have at it. Let him toss your freaking salad already. You just might enjoy it. I'M not gonna' do that, so don't even think about it...
4. Break The Skin: “Nibbles are great, bites that leave a mark, no thanks.” Hickeys should be left in high school.
5. Dry Jobs: Cotton-mouthed blow jobs and lube-less hand-jobs “should never ever ever be on the menu,” !!
6. Don’t Ask, Just Do: A friend of mine gave me this piece of advice, which I’ll personally testify to: “Don’t make me ask for doggy,” he said. “Just roll over onto all fours and initiate it. You know it’s our favorite.” I’m sure a command wouldn’t hurt either—“f**k me from behind.” Oh, I just got a little tingle just typing that.
7. Call Him “Daddy”: He’s also not your brother, your uncle, or your pop-pop. Invoking a family member—“Oh, yes, Daddy!”—will ensure that you’ll never actually meet one in real life.
8. Slap Or Spank Without Permission: I was dating a girl with whom I had a sort of mellow dom/sub sexy-time rapport with and, though I enjoyed the spanking and dirty talking, I was caught way off guard when, out of the blue, mid-romp, she gave me a light slap in the face. Killed the mood. This goes double for us dudes, as it’s less socially acceptable for men to be the submissive ones—it’s even riskier getting rough with us without permission.
GET it ?? GOT it ?? GOOD...
Class Dismissed !!
Sugar Ray D.
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